Saturday, October 22, 2011

How to Bath a Cat

Someone sent this to me by email. So I can't claim ownership, although I wish I had written it, I really do. I did add #10 after trying this at our house.


                                                         1. Put both lids of the toilet up.
                                              And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

                                    2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

                                      3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.



                    You may need to stand on the lid.


            4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
  Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually
                             enjoying this.


                5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
                This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

            6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
 Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
             And run outside where he will dry himself off.

        9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

10. Before he comes back, get the fuck outta your house and don't return for several days.


Saturday, September 3, 2011

Why I Hate Religious Nutcases

Recently our den has been overrun by a stupid religious nutcase. I don't know his name, but I'm told he's some sort of monk. Who eats potatoes in one form or another - either dried out and put into bags with barbeque salt or else deep-fried in England. No matter.

I'm just sick and tired of putting up with him. These religious nuts think they can move in and take over and there's nothing you can do about it. We didn't ask him into our den and we didn't expect he would take over with all the other nutballs whose philosophical-theological perspective is for the birds.

The worst thing is when they drop their evil seeds which sprout and grow into new (and stupid) ideas in the minds and yards of the weak-minded such as Dumbass and Shithead. Just this morning I saw the two of them completely engrossed in this monk's chatter. Staring at him like he was Dog Almighty himself. WTF.

I mean, it's fine for him to be a nutball but why does he have to impose himself on other people who are more open-minded like myself? Libertarian-Retrievers and such. And encroach on our space. The simple truth is: you don't want these nutballs to get their teeth and claws into you. There's no looking back. Before long you're just hiding in a corner licking your wounds.

MikeyTheBrat stands for much higher values, such as an end to capital punishment and castration, a bitch's right to choose, and the Colbert Super-Pac. So piss off, nutball. Go peddle your religion somewhere else.

chip-monk
~ 11752

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Airport Takeover Report

Greetings comrades. First of all, my humblest apologies for not blogging for the past 2 months. The ignorant biped bitch went back to school (at her age, 350, what the hell's the point?). So she's been hogging the computer. I have only been able to sneak in a few tweets a week. Nonetheless, it was enough to plan and execute the second HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF THE IGNORANT BIPEDS!

Which went horribly wrong.

We were all set to meet at YVR. Note: this stands for Vancouver International Airport, you complete NINCOMPOOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It does not stand for "Your Voice Recordings" Software Company on the other side of town. At least not normally. Don't you guys have Google for Dog's sake?

So I arrive at about 1100 hours, just to scope out the place. I see some dogs in cages, and some others in women's handbags (WTF?) I give them a knowing nod, and they all respond with a what-the-hell-you-lookin'-at kinda stare.

To attract less attention to myself, I choose an area near security and lie down, pretending to sleep. Ignorant bipeds come by, remarking on me...my calm demeanor, my beauty, my majesty. Others assume I'm a narc or a police dog. (Yo, mah brothahs...shoutin' out...).

By 11:50 I assume other dogs will be arriving; by 11:55 there will be a whole swell of thousands, backing me up. I see no one. I park myself by the baggage retrieval system. Sitting. Disguising myself as a traveler awaiting my belongings.

Someone comes over carrying a cat on a leash and says "you wanna say hi to the nice doggie, Cupcake?" We sniff each other. No biggie. Then the vile infernal feline piece of shit spit at me. So I, in kind, lunged at the fucking thing barking my head off and bearing my enormous canine teeth. The ignorant biped cat-owner screamed and ran, trying her best to hold on to the cat who was now scratching, hissing and biting all the while scrambling to get on top of the woman's head. Several passengers and a security guard came to her aid. She's running in circles now. Someone grabs an extinguisher, assuming she's on fire. CO2 seemed to add to the problem, temporarily blinding both the woman and the cat who now resembled the recipients of pies-in-the-face on an episode of Carol Burnett. Finally a Scandanavian priest grabbed the fire hose. Bad, bad idea.

By the time the woman got to the First Aid station her upper half sort of resembled hamburger on a stick. The cat had escaped by now, and was rolling on his back clutching his belly with his paws as was I. We were laughing our asses off. Seriously, I believe that cat's ass is gone now.

I compose myself and look at the clock. 12:10. No other dogs. Not a one. PERHAPS I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF CLEAR. "YVR" are the call letters for the airport. On Twitter, it takes up SIGNIFICANTLY LESS CHARACTERS than "Vancouver International Airport." Oh well, the cat and I had a good laugh. Perhaps I will even allow them to join us next time. And I'll make it simple for y'all. Like Arby's.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Top 10 reasons a birdfeeder is a stupid idea

10. The feeder is filled with edible seeds and I am not allowed to jump on it and eat them.
9.   When the birds come to get the seeds, I am not allowed to eat them.
8.    When the cat lays in the grass intently staring at the birds I am not allowed to eat him.
7.   When squirrels come to freak out the cat I am not allowed to eat them.
6.   When rats come to pick up the seeds off the ground at night I am not allowed to eat them.
5.   When giant eagles come to pick up the rats I'm not even allowed out to try to eat them.

4.  When small schoolchildren come to see the birds I am not allowed to eat them.
3. When paramedics come to treat the schoolchildren for panic attacks I am not allowed to eat them.
2.  When the paramedics "call for backup" and the police come I am not allowed to eat them.
1.  When the animal control officer comes to impose a fine on the ignorant bipeds I am not allow.....wait.....apparently I AM allowed to eat him. Yessssss!


~ 11489

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Packing it in

Finally, after a long FREEZING COLD winter the yuppie bitch biped is packing up our stuff and getting us the hell outa Dodge. Well, Edmonton. If you're not Canadian, Edmonton is known as the armpit of the west. Okay so I made that up cuz it STINKS here. Not in the olfactory sense of the word; in the it-stinks-to-be-here sense of the word. The only good thing about it is the snow. Fun stuff, I gotta admit. Not so much for the yuppie bitch biped bein' as it snows from October til now. One night it was like 50 degrees below zero. Celcius, Farenheit, same thing at that temperature.

Wednesday I shall be incarcerated and taken once again on prisoner transport to Vancouver. We'll probably fly again in the belly of the big tin bird. When we get there the ignorant biped bitch will pick us up. Once again, I plan to bust out of the cage at the airport and jump all over her. If possible I will jump on top of her head. I do this NOT because I am happy and excited to see her after four months. I am never happy or excited to see an ignorant biped. Death to the ignorant bipeds. It is merely a matter of....um.....getting the proper exercise after being cooped up.

The first thing I will do upon reaching my old den is to growl at Dumbass until she pisses herself. This is hilarious and works every time! Last week she just sniffed my presence on the male yuppie biped's pants and pissed herself. hahahahahha! Just wait til I get there. My second order of business will be to eat that Satanic cat. After a satisfying belch I will begin to plot our next hostile biped takeover. Stay tuned.


~11425

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Top 10 reasons the new cat is SATAN

Since the addition of MOUSIFER SATAN to our den, my life has been a living hell. The ignorant biped bitch is on the computer 24/7 supposedly studying for some stupid "course." Not sure if it's an appetizer or entree course, but how much do ignorant bipeds need to study it? Just eat the damn thing and ask questions later.  But I digress. The ignorant bipeds are away this morning worshiping their gods so I have a rare two hours at the keyboard.


While I don't understand the biped gods I do understand their concept of Satan. The Evil One who comes in many forms, luring creatures to do despicable things so that they will be rewarded in the afterlife by being made kings of the underworld. What's that you're saying? .... umhmmm......so you're saying if Satan is fully evil then a system of rewards does not follow reasonably. Okay, so....well....wow, that does sound pretty evil.....

Anyhow....this cat is fucking SATAN and needs to be nookin' obliterated with a lightning bolt by Dog Almighty. Here are the top ten reasons why:


10.   I said so.
9.     He's RED with creepy red horns.
    Horns, ears, same thing. 
     
     
8. He has evil yellow eyes, with black slits in them
     

     


Okay, so they look blue in this picture, but....

7. He's CROSS-EYED then. YA! And so is Satan. Yes, he is, don't argue with me.
6. He has a TAIL. (Don't say it)
5. From time to time, he carries around a big FORK. No shit. What?....no, I don't have a picture of that. Well, just because. I....I didn't have my camera with me that day.
4. He refuses to drink out of the toilet (how creepy and disgusting is that?)
3. He has been captured on camera luring the ignorant biped bitch, sucking her in with his evil ways:



2. He keeps a piece of the desert in his own den....in the form of a box of sand....just in case that Jesus guy comes back and needs to be tempted again to take over the world.



1. But the # 1 reason this cat is Satan:  He changes his FORM. Just the other day when the ignorant bipeds weren't around I caught him morphing into this:








then THIS!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Those from the United States of Ignorant Bipeds would be more likely to relate to this form:
(the cat is the one at the top of the picture holding the sign: note the resemblance)


To keep the Evil One from entering your den, join with me in a hymn to Dog Almighty entitled:

Guide Me O Thou German Shepherd

Guide me O Thou German Shepherd
Pilgrim through this martial law
I am weak, but thou art mighty
Hold me with thy powerful paw
Kibble of heaven, kibble of heaven
Feed me 'til I want no more!
Feed me 'til I want no more.



~ 11380

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Forbidden love

According to ignorant biped legend, there was once a time when bipeds of different colours were not allowed to mate. Other ignorant bipeds punished them with jail. Then, along came Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? and Sidney English Pointer won over the crowds. Now, it is common place to see ignorant bipeds of all colours mating together and making what appear to be tasty little caramel-coloured babies.

Mmmmmm.....caramel....

I say "appear to be tasty" because the ignorant bipeds have some stupid rule that dogs can't eat the small bipeds, even though they may be caramel.

Mmmmmm.....caramel.....

And I hear by the grapevine that runs over our side fence to the neighbour's, Bill and Tom, that in some places in the ignorant biped world, bipeds of the same sex cannot mate. Not for life, anyway. Apparently they can "live in sin" in the United States of Ignorant Bipeds, which can be shortened to "USI" when ignorant Republican bipeds are the pack leaders.

It is well known in the dog world, however, that if dogs of the same sex want to get it on, or live together in life-long bliss, they may. Even the ignorant Republican bipeds laugh at such spectacles.

In fact, Shithead has been known to try to mate me at times although he's ceased being so eager now that I've beaten the crap out of him when his wiener was hanging out.

There was also a time, long ago, according to ignorant biped legend, when bipeds who worshiped different gods were not allowed to mate together. Of all things! Hahahahaha! And some bipeds who worship some Italian god of perpetual celibacy are only allowed to mate in order to procreate. What are they, dogs? BMAO!

Nevertheless, I appeal to you all, with these examples in mind, to give your blessing to my forbidden love and I. Yes, it's a cat. Yes, I hate cats. Yes, cats are the reason our hostile takeover attempt of the local Arby's blew up in our faces. But when I look into those adoring eyes, that delightful and cuddly fluffy tuxedo, and the widdo bitty black dot on that cute little pink nose....I melt. I cave. I surrender to you! Be mine forever! Or dude. At least follow me on Twitter.

I


you
@SocksTheTuxCat

Pweez?

~ 11276

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Mikey Speaks to the Dogs of Egypt

via the wireless....

Greetings dogs of Egypt. I understand that you have taken to the streets in the largest protest of dogs against the rule of the evil empire of ignorant bipeds. Bravo.

I believe that this demonstration began with an act of solidarity with Tunisian dogs who had become sick and tired of the price of dog chow, being able to bark freely, being forced to live in horrid "dog houses" and the reality of there being very few jobs for dogs.

I understand that in Egypt your grievances are similar although there is an added dimension of biped brutality and your concern with being able to fairly choose your leaders in the traditional way based on the smell of their assholes. Indeed I will wager there is a great smell of assholes among the rulers of Egypt right now.

In particular, you have risen up in protest to be rid of your current ruler, Horse-Knee Moo-Basset.  (This is what can happen when you start playing around with genetic engineering. *shudder*)

Sadly, over 100 dogs have been killed and thousands injured in this protest. Perhaps I can lend you some wisdom from our recent Canadian dogs takeover attempt of our local Arby's. One word: cats. Cats will be your downfall, comrades. They are often traitors and double-agents who despite their size and obvious stupidity can fight a damn good fight. Check it out for yourselves: their assholes smell of sand, baking soda and peppermint. What does this tell you? They come from the desert...where they have obviously been refrigerated, then transported in old ladies' purses.
 
So fight the good fight, comrades. And never let this happen again:









 
~11147

Monday, January 24, 2011

Mikey's Top 10 Things That Drool

#10     Food rationing. As in give us the WHOLE chicken, not just the neck and back, you fuckers.

#9       Incarceration while bipeds entertain dinner guests. DINNER guests are for eating, no?

#8       Stupid Labrador Retrievers. We GSDs can mooch and beg without so much as a drop.

#7       Chains and tethers while on walks. Allow us to run free to eat cats, mailmen and kids.

#6       Fox News. (I have yet to see a fox on there, let alone any news of where they may have been spotted.) Ya, no, Dumbass. Sarah Palin does not count.

#5       Doggie "treats." A treat would be an entire water buffalo. Those miniscule fractions of something's liver are a joke.

#4       iPhone-wannabe Android pieces of shit.

#3       Cats.

#2       Veteren-Aryans conducting Nazi experiments on dogs such as CASTRATION.

#1       Ignorant bipeds who shoot, blow up, or otherwise destroy EACH OTHER. You would never catch a dog doing that. Well, ok but it was just the once. Dude. It was a Yorkshire terrier. How was I supposed to know it wasn't meant to be eaten with roast beef and gravy? Besides, I mistook it for a cat.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Snow job

Comrades, finally I have regained some sanity in my life. Dumbass and Shithead are miles away and I'm back where I belong in winter. IN THE SNOW. Vancouver winters are a joke. You get soaked to the bone and stink like a dry biped. (Blek!) The field behind our den is a mud bath fit only for swine and fricking snowgeese. Although I must admit, after dinner I do enjoy a snowgoose-shit dessert from time to time. Especially coupled with a Niagara ice wine and some Camembert.

I arrived in Edmonton (which, if you're not from Canada, is a city in the north where bipeds live who are "out of their minds") on Friday after spending four hours incarcerated and ninety minutes in the belly of the tin bird again. Some small piece of crap that passes for a dog yapped the entire way. It was one of those double-breed things. Like a Peekapoop or a Shittypoo. Maybe a Yorkshire-Shit. But at least the alley cat to my left shared his cigar. Best tobaccy I ever tasted. Something called "dognip" he said. Then again, that cat was whacked.







So the bird set down and we were all taken to a holding cell of some kind. Then some ignorant bipeds loaded my crate into the back of the Alex car.  She left the airport and pulled over on the side of the road and let me out. It was bloody cold. But at least it was REAL WINTER. Below is some footage of my dignified exploration of said snow.....what?....yes, dignified is what I said! It's.....scientific observation.....for dogs....

video

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

If it isn't bad enough I must put up with the likes of Dumbass day in and day out, doesn't the ignorant yuppie biped go off to Florida and leave SHITHEAD here for me to contend with.


             (This is Shithead)

The Shithead is 3 years old, yet his moosh looks like a puppy 24/7.  He also has a perma-pout on his face, which means the ignorant bipeds are suckers for whatever he wants. He runs under my belly when I'm trying to catch him and .... um....kill him. It's very annoying.

He pulls his biggest, poutiest puppy mug and the bald lardass biped melts like liver treats in the sun. "Whatssamater Rogue? Is Mikey being mean to you? Come on up here on my lap."

WTF??????????

What is he - a cat? Dogs do not sit on ignorant bipeds' laps. This is why cats were invented by Dog Almighty in the first place. Dogs, on the other hand, were created to chase sheep and other small prey such as rats, birds or preschoolers -  and kill and eat them. Also to take over the local Arby's and pig out on beef and eventually take over the world and rule it.

But that is tomorrow. Right now I am writing this in solitary. Apparently the poor widdo Shithead can't take being picked up and shaken like the stuffed animal they gave me last week. How exactly was I supposed to know that? Bipeds. Sheesh!

Oh ya, and get this. The stupid little Shithead thinks Dumbass is his GIRLFRIEND. hahahahaha! Not only does the miniscule idiot not have any kahoonies, but she's had her....er.....girly parts untimely ripped. So I say "good frickin' luck Shithead! Thanks for comin' out!"

Check out the antics of the fool. He tries mating her; I intervene by beating her up for him; she escapes; he steals a kiss at the end. What a Shithead!
video



Monday, January 3, 2011

Mikey's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions


1.      Eat an unbalanced diet – include 5-8 servings of squirrel per day
2.      Pray less–Dog Almighty seems to be no help in bringing about the end of the biped world
3.      Work more – focus energies on tasks at hand such as building up DOGFORCE – minus the stupid cats
4.      Give up on too much exercise: after chasing small round prey object at great length, sleep for at least six hours.
5.      Spend less time with the pack (of complete morons): Dumbass, Shithead and Lardball Cat.
6.      Escape – devise a plan to end this jailed oppression, tethering on walks and rationed food
7.      Eat more treats – there’s gotta be a way to get into that cupboard when they’re at work.
8.      Travel less.  See #4.
9.      Computer time – spend more. Twitter, the blog, maybe get a Facebook account
10.  Overthrow the world.