Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Imaginary Dog Psychologists

Much like the many other inventions of the ignorant bipeds (Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny) now they've come up with something even more ridiculous than those three combined: The Dog Psychologist. Actually, I may believe it was a dog who came up with this just to jerk the ignorant bipeds around.You go bro.

So here is a handy guide for all you dogs who may have to deal with these stupid imaginary creatures because your biped oppressors invite them over to "analyze" you and "treat" you for your "psychological disorder." Wow that was a lot of quotation marks.

There are several "disorders" that dogs can get "diagnosed" for including, but not limited to:
    1. Anxiety. If you're leaning toward this one just run under the biped's bed and shit yourself there. Every day. That'll get 'em going.
    2. Depression. This one will help you get extra treats and attention. Just mope around. Sleep a lot. Eat your food slowly when the bipeds are there. In fact, if possible, only eat it out of their hands.
    3. Rage Disorder. This is an easy one. Fuckin' attack everyone in sight. Especially the idiot they try to pass off as a "dog psychologist."
    4. Bipolar Disorder. Another easy one. Jump all around like a psycho whenever you fuckin' feel like it and then crash and mope. For tips on moping, see #2.
    5. Antisocial Personality Disorder, aka Sociopathy or whatever else they're calling it these days. This one is pretty tricky. You have to act like a regular dog, especially the kind the bipeds really like. Wag your tail a lot. Jump around. Heel on command - that sort of thing. Then one day just randomly kill something. Anything will do. I recommend the mailman, a Doctor of Death (aka veterinarian) or if you're really into it perhaps a gaggle of small school children. If you do it when no one is looking they will assume it's the dog next door who suffers from #3.
    6. Bulimia Nervosa. Totally fun. Gorge yourself on everything you can find and puke your guts out on their rug.
    7. Schizophrenia. This one is the awsomest one of all. Just act crazy. Randomly crazy. Like jump up off the couch and bark at a door or window at night when nobody's there. Wag your tail and lick the mailman. But narrow your eyes and move them side-to-side with grandma. Always.
Have a hootenany with this, comrades. Woohoo! I'm off to practice #7 intermittently with #6. Good times.


Sunday, February 19, 2012

No Siree Bob Barker

Ever since the LA Times tweeted me saying "Bob Barker loves you Mikey" I've been adding Twitter followers at the rate of about 100 per day. This is more disturbing than anything, being as it seems the majority of them are IGNORANT BIPEDS. So this blog post is for you, ya dumb anthropoids.

First I will briefly address my dog followers. Dudes: Bob Barker, despite his name, does not bark. He is not a dog although his ancestors clearly must have been. Some report they've seen him howl at the moon on all fours in his pajamas but I'm not a hundred percent sure of the legitimacy of that source. Nope, not a dog. He is is the evil King of Castration, the Sniper of Snipping, the Munich of Eunuch.

Supposedly Bob is quite the golfer. Easy for you, Bob. But we ain't got no balls over here! So every time you roll those little white dimpled ones in your hand you think of us over here, Bob. *Distracted by the cat*...wha?...yes, I was still talking about golf you pervert....okay, okay I get it...haha very funny... All you cats who are yukking it up and licking your arses have a good look down there. He's out for yours too, if you haven't already noticed.*turns attention back to the bipeds*

According to Bob, there are many "good" reasons to maime and destroy our genetalia. I shall address them seriatum. (You like that word? Seriatum? I got it from the Presbyterians. It means "in order from the the first to the last." Presbyterians like putting stuff in order. I just like saying it. Give it a try: SERIH-YATUM.) Okay, so, the reasons:

1) We won't be so interested in the bitches. (No I don't have a potty mouth; that's the proper word, asshole.). Now I'm not even sure what this means. Let's see. Maybe that's because....THEY CUT MY BALLS OFF.
2) We won't be so interested in table legs, other dogs of varying sexual orientations (not that there's anything wrong with that) and your granny who's looking under the couch for her lost glasses. Okay, I can accept this. Again, not even sure what it all means - (See #1)
3) We are less likely to get cancer. This is only according to the peer-reviewed scientific research but that is all done by guess who, IGNORANT BIPEDS. Nevertheless, we animals are unaware of our mortality and don't give a flying fig about our inevitable impending death. Remour has it around here that 99% of dogs and cats are killed by ignorant bipeds anyway.
4) most important reason given by Bob: "spaying and neutering helps control the pet population. Exactly Bob. So let me just say that WE ARE ON TO YOU PEOPLE. So you say that every time a house pet has puppies or kittens, even if you find them homes then some other puppies and kittens in a "shelter" (read "jail") get killed off. By whom? IGNORANT BIPEDS. No homes for all these animals you say. Well maybe that's because you guys control all the food and nice places to live. This will be different after me and my DOGFORCE take over the world and start castrating YOU.

Vive la revolution!


Saturday, February 11, 2012

Raising Puppies

I was born at night, but not last night. In other words, I'm no dum-dum. I know that you ignorant bipeds are reading this blog, even though it's none of your frickin' business. But this blog post is only for dogs, and it has no correlation to ignorant bipeds whatsoever.

So here goes:

Your puppies are out of control, people. I mean, honestly. Get a grip on your parentogging skills. Allow me to clarify with a few examples.
  1.  Screaming and running around while other people are trying to eat. Sometimes a dog likes to go out to say a garbage can or neighbourhood dumpster for dinner to break up the monotony of that kibble. Sometimes he likes to take along that certain someone and piss all around the perimeter for her to make it romantic. Then along comes some stupid bitch & dog with their pups who are running wild. When I express my opinion (as only Mikey can) to one of the pups he shits himself right there at my dinner table and YOU yell at ME like this is how I would have planned the evening.
  2. Interrupting. I don't know about the average dog, but I go to dog parks to rustle up members of my DOGFORCE to overthrow the world. I have secret, quiet conversations with others when the ignorant bipeds are unawares. I don't need puppies racing through the middle of us yapping. What's worse, said puppies are usually followed by a pack of ignorant bipeds squealing with high-pitched voices as though their balls have been trapped in waffle-irons.
  3. Crying all night waking people up. I suggest taking them back into the whelping box with you so we can all get some sleep. Unless you're drunk on catnip you will not roll over on them and kill them. Really. Have you ever heard of that happening? Don't believe that Furber dumbass. He's just an ignorant biped.
  4. Treating us like gymnasiums. I am not a trampoline for your unruly puppy. Nor am I a rawhide bone, a bite-sleeve, a cat or an episode of Wrestlemania. Get your pup some shit to play with. Or play with him yourself - there's a novel idea.
  5. Wrecking our shit. When you come over to my den for a visit, don't bring your puppy unless it's invited. If, in a moment of weakness, I ask you to bring the little buggers that doesn't mean they can jump on my dogbed or rip down the curtains with their teeth. No, I won't bark at them myself. Why? See #1. The last sentence. 
I could probably go on but I think you get the idea. How hard can it be...puppies are only around for seven weeks and then they're all growed up and boohoohoo wah wah....yes, they're gone and not your problem any more. But if we want wise, mature dogs to run this world once we overthrow the ignorant bipeds then you gotta start trainin' 'em up young. See my MikeyTheBrat Youth Movement on the sidebar.


Saturday, February 4, 2012

Famous Dog Names Spelled Sideways

One of my many thousand Facebook friends (ok, so you checked and I have 44, so what) showed me his name spelled sideways and it made the Mikester laugh his fur right off. So I decided to have a little fun for the benefit of the thousands who read this blog every week. Okay hundreds. Okay then dozens. Whatever.

Here we go:

  • Lie Ass
RIN TIN TIN                  
  • Rin Nit Nit
  • Blithest Hole Tot
  • Pots
OLD YELLER             
  • Leery Doll
  • Hockey Hurdle Burn (I don't know about you but I hate that hockey hurdle burn especially when it's right between the legs...gah!)
BANDIT (from Little House on the Prairie)
  • Ant Bid
  • Ho and Tub
  • So Pony (not that funny, I know, but check this next one out)
  • Spoon God 
(This does not necessarily refer to heroin, cough syrup, raw oysters or anything else served on a spoon. The views expressed herewith are not necessarily those of Snoop Dog, his affiliates and sponsors or those of the management of Snoop Dog Inc., Google, The Weed Man, Walmart or Please refer any and all lawsuits for this post to MikeyTheBrat's personal law firm of Dewey, Cheetham and Howe.)

  • You can't spell Tramp sideways and get any other words! However, when you add "Lady and the" you can get: Ply Rat and the Dam
BRIAN (from Family Guy)
  • Brain (This is no coincidence)
DOUG (from the movie "Up")
  •  U Dog (Also no coincidence)
  • I a Burd
And finally, the piece de la resistance.....................

............................wait for it..............................

  • Bite Thy Maker! 

~ 12210