Saturday, January 28, 2012

Beware of cats who eat beans!

Comrades, I must issue a warning today to you all. Of course, as you know, I have a love-hate relationship with cats in the first place. As a general rule I hate fucking cats. However, even the great Mikey has a weakness of the flesh and I speak of my illicit forbidden-love bi-species relationship with my beloved ChiliPepper.

I digress.

Last night I had an encounter with a black-and-white cat that was a real show-stopper. Now most of the time black-and-white cats are harmless. Check out this example:

Your basic black cat with a white stripe that appears to divide in two at the base. No problem, right? Right. This cat has a healthy diet.

Sometimes the white stripe on a black cat makes him appear evil as in the example below. This cat poses no threat to the dog. He probably eats a diet of fish-related mush which digests no problem into his intestinal tract.

If you're really looking for evil in a black-and-white cat this one is the feline reincarnation of the most evil ignorant biped to ever live. This cat does not hiss, scratch your eyes out or fight. He does not even fart in your general direction. He just meows orders to a squad of other cats who lock up all the dogs in ghettos and force them into slavery. He probably eats mice and rats live. No biggie. His day will come.

Some black-and-white cats clearly eat too much. Really you ignorant bipeds? Really? WTF.

Some black-and-white cats are fluffy and, though incarcerated, are fed expensive biped-produced delicacies like "chicken and giblets with gravy" or "salmon and shrimp feast." Although incarcerated they get lots of attention and win ribbons for their ignorant biped oppressors to show to their friends.

Some black-and-white cats are small school children in disguise. Beware of these. They pull your ears and slobber on you. Then when you growl at them their mothers scream obscenities at your biped oppressor as though you were not supposed to be an actual dog at all.

Still other black-and-white cats are just downright cute and if I weren't already spoken for I might consider an illicit bi-species relationship with this one:

Based on the perfection of her eyebrows I'd say this cat has a healthy diet of catfood #47 for "Black-and-white alley cats with sensitive stomachs who live indoors, get moderate exercise, have shiny coats and hork up furballs."

Never mind any of these, comrades! But if you come across a black-and-white cat whose diet is mostly beans and looks like this, WATCH OUT!
The only other thing this cat could have eaten is biped-made chili. I chased it the other night and just as I caught up to it he stopped in his tracks and let one rip in my general direction. Geezes fucking Key-rist! I was like "WHAT the hell did you EAT?" and bald lardass biped was yelling for me to come back - which was no problem. Dumbass managed to fluke her way out of getting farted on by doing what she always does: blindly following the ignorant bipeds' "leave it!" command.

So I ran right into the house in the middle of the living room and the ignorant biped bitch starts yelling "Charlie! Get that dog out of here! He's been sprayed by a skunk!" (This must be some biped euphemism for "smells of alley-cat monstor farts.") They hustled me outside but not before leaving that fart odor all over their furniture and clothes. I was incarcerated in my crate and then punished by being bathed in tomato juice. As if I needed a punishment to assure I never chase one of those fuckers again.

On the upside, I got a trip to the doggie beauty parlour the next day since the tomato juice got stuck all in my fur and pretty much just trapped the odor in there. They bathed me in peroxide-baking-soda-dish soap and then a shampoo, conditioner, massage and mani-pedi. When I take over the world I will keep those doggie-spa bipeds around for our pleasure. But let me tell ya. Those bean-eating cats have gotta go.


Saturday, January 21, 2012

The Brat is Back

Wow - long time no talk to, comrades. The ignorant biped bitch hogs the computer constantly for her "writing." if someone wants to read a book about "personal improvement." I'll give ya personal improvement you stupid humans. Try this: YOU lay at the end of the bed, let us ration YOUR food and we'll shove YOU in a crate when our friends come over so you don't eat them. That would improve all o' y'all a whole lot.

Our pack has been distracted by a number of things in the last half of last year. One set of yuppie bipeds moved in here with us (Lord Dog have mercy) while another set had a litter of pups. Well, just one pup. It's bald, screams a lot and smells delicious, like cottage cheese. (I can smell her from my JAIL CELL in the garage whenever she comes over.) Here is a picture of the small human pup when she was a few hours old. I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Secondly, I've been spending a lot of time with my forbidden-love, whose name is Chili Pepper. Must have named her in honour of Jean Chretien, the RCMP and various local police forces involved in the Occupy movement.  I know, I know. She's 5 pounds full-grown and I'm 75. Yes, yes, I could crush her with one blow and fit her whole body in my mouth but why would I do that? First of all, I have been indog-anely castrated by the Doctors of Death long ago. The same DODs sterilized her a few months back as well. So we're just Plutonic friends. You know what I mean, right? Plutonic: adjective: def.: homosexual dog + grossly over/undersized other creature relationship.

As far as I know, Chili and I are homosexuals. We've both had all our plumbing removed so that makes us the same sex, right? Male-Female-Other. We check "other."  Here is a picture of my beloved, my darling, my widdo mush-moufs koochie koochie koo:

She does take some liberties with my DOGbed, but that's ok. If Chili and I were the last two animals on earth I would probably wait at least two or three days before eating her.

So that's what our pack has been doing. Oh ya...PLUS the yuppie biped bitch who lives with us started her own business selling cakes and cupcakes and everyone is helping her. They smell pretty good. However any attempts I've made to suggest adding dead squirrel to the batter have been frowned upon. As bipeds go, she's the coolest. She raises money selling cupcakes to help other endangered animals. So when we take over the world, she'll be the last one I eat. Here's a pic of her cupcakes. Amazing resemblance to us animals. So far, she does not make a dog cupcake. That's right lady. YOU are the endangered species where we're concerned.

Yup those are all cupcakes right there. One's to raise money for some stupid orchid plant.

I've said on Twitter, 2012 will be the year for us dogs. The year we finally take over the world from the ignorant bipeds. I know, I know, I said that before. But two of my diabolical plans for biped world takeover were thwarted. The first of them by fucking CATS and the second due to some canine dumbasses not knowing that 'YVR' stood for the Vancouver airport.

This time, nothing will go wrong. We will schedule the takeover for April 1st, aka April Ignorant Bipeds' Day. Stay tuned here and on my Twitter account for details.

Hasta la vista, puppahs! The Brat is baaaaaaaaaaa-aaaack!