Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A MikeyTheBrat Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the den
Not a creature was stirring, not even the men.
 A bag of nuts hung by the mantle with care,
In hopes that the chimney squirrels soon would be there.

The puppies were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of rawhide bones danced in their heads.
Dumbass in a tizzy, and I in a flap,
Had just settled ourselves for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my crate to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore down the curtains and jumped on the glass.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Showed all of the dogs piles from down here below.
Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But eight sides of venison in the form of reindeer.

With an ignorant biped, with belly so thick
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
All over his outfit, his head and his back
Was a nest full of squirrels – even more in his sack.

We both bared our teeth, both the Dumbass and I
Then sprung on t’ward him with loud battlecry.
The squirrels abandoned the poor sorry chap
Just enough for the two of us starting the scrap.

Round and round we all went, squirrels, Dumbass and I
Growling, barking and snapping with squirrels on the fly.
Squirrels on the mantle, squirrels up the tree
Squirrels down his pants, up his hat, on his knee.

St. Nicholas dropped down his whole bag of toys
Every one that he had for all good girls and boys
Now the children are crying all over the world
But we dogs sleep in peace with a belly full o' squirrel.

Merry Christmas from Mikey, Dumbass, and all of their ignorant biped captors! 
Mikey says be sure to give a gift to your local animal rescue this Christmas too!


Saturday, December 18, 2010

Takeover of Arby's goes terribly wrong

Saturday, December 18, 2010. Vancouver, BC

Earlier today a large pack of animals, mostly dogs and cats, attempted to storm a local Arby's sandwich shop. The group of some 3100 animals known as "DOGFORCE" led by their fearless-facist "MikeyTheBrat" turned an entire neighbourhood into a zoological menager-mess.

Thousands of pet owners all over the city with broken leashes, bite marks and lacerations are scratching their heads. "It was the strangest thing" said one bewildered owner of three labrador retrievers. "All of a sudden all the dogs started walking in circles in the crapping position - you know - with their tails in that 'S' shape. So I was like Jesus Marge, open the door! And out they went, all three of them. Hell-bound for leashes."

At exactly 0900, a time pre-arranged by TheBrat through his massive Twitter following, animals from as far away as Norway and Japan converged on a one-acre field in Steveston just metres from the Arby's. Dog-catchers from all over the country were called on as the government declared a "state of canine emergency."

Luckily for Arby's TheBrat's followers include not only other dogs but also many cats and a handful of ferrets.

"The cats started it" woofed one of TheBrat's high officials - an officer named "@furbabys" who is repsonsible for PR in the facist organization.

He may be right, of course. The cats, led by the notorious burglar "@McTheCat" decided to forgo the roast beef and go for a ferret sandwich instead. The ferrets looked to TheBrat's second-in-command, known only as "Dumbass," for help. To which she replied:

"Ferrets! I love ferrets! Mikey! Check it out! Ferr.....CAAAAATS!" and that was it. The dogs in the back of the pack turned on the cats who were turning on the ferrets who were looking for help from the dogs and you guessed it:
A clustermate.

Eventually everyone went home with an animal, while not necessarily the one that they came with.MikeyTheBrat has been apprehended and is now behind bars.

Open the door. C'mon asshole. Just open it.

  - along with his sidekick known to police as only "Dumbass"
Duh....what am I doing in here?
 These animals are considered unarmed and dangerous. Do not approach if you see them. Call the authorities.

But I'm so cute.....pweez?

BAIL has been posted at $20 for the release of MikeyTheBrat and $10 for Dumbass. 

Message from Mikey:
PLEASE post my bail! Please! It's a week before CHRISTMAS! Think of the poor animals this time of year! PLEASE! All you have to do is click here:  Mikey's Bail

What's $20? It's Christmas!!!!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Mikey has been shot

Comrades, I must warn you all of one of the greatest travesties known to dog: the Doctors of Death. These depraved, sinister characters who may have once taken a Hippocratic oath have now turned to the ways of ee-vil. For their own amusement, they torture and maim innocent animals and often conduct medical experiments on them - even the puppies! And also on the not-so-innocent. I believe I saw a cat or two in the back room.
Yes, the evil veterinarian. I'm not sure of the exact meaning of the word but I believe it has something to do with carrying on their horrific activities for a very long time. Perhaps back to some war or other. It was probably once written Veteran-Aryan.

It didn't seem to be of any help that I am German. So I cringe with the thought of what they may be doing to my comrades the English bulldog, the Russian Wolfhound or the American Pit Bull Terrier. (No wonder those guys get pissed sometimes, ya?)

The Doctors of Death are smooth-talking and begin by bribing you with biscuits. Since I only eat raw food, I chose instead the asshole's hand for a snack. Big mistake. I was then put in a straight-jacket and SHOT IN THE ASS! Then he says, all sappy-sweet, "There you go Mikey! All done! Now you don't have to worry about babies anymore." Then he turns to the ignorant biped bitch, my oppressor, and says "Babies is carried by bats in British Columbia."

What an idiot!

Along with the bad grammar, he doesn't even know the ABCs of biped reproduction. Babies come out of vaginas, dumbass, just like in dogs.

Gotta go now - I'm being taken on prisoner transport to the airport. Gonna be shipped home for Christmas like a crappy-ass fruitcake. I'll fill you all in when I arrive. MikeyTheBrat signing off.

A final word to my followers: my ass hurts.