Forbidden love

According to ignorant biped legend, there was once a time when bipeds of different colours were not allowed to mate. Other ignorant bipeds punished them with jail. Then, along came Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? and Sidney English Pointer won over the crowds. Now, it is common place to see ignorant bipeds of all colours mating together and making what appear to be tasty little caramel-coloured babies.

Mmmmmm.....caramel....

I say "appear to be tasty" because the ignorant bipeds have some stupid rule that dogs can't eat the small bipeds, even though they may be caramel.

Mmmmmm.....caramel.....

And I hear by the grapevine that runs over our side fence to the neighbour's, Bill and Tom, that in some places in the ignorant biped world, bipeds of the same sex cannot mate. Not for life, anyway. Apparently they can "live in sin" in the United States of Ignorant Bipeds, which can be shortened to "USI" when ignorant Republican bipeds are the pack leaders.

It is well known in the dog world, however, that if dogs of the same sex want to get it on, or live together in life-long bliss, they may. Even the ignorant Republican bipeds laugh at such spectacles.

In fact, Shithead has been known to try to mate me at times although he's ceased being so eager now that I've beaten the crap out of him when his wiener was hanging out.

There was also a time, long ago, according to ignorant biped legend, when bipeds who worshiped different gods were not allowed to mate together. Of all things! Hahahahaha! And some bipeds who worship some Italian god of perpetual celibacy are only allowed to mate in order to procreate. What are they, dogs? BMAO!

Nevertheless, I appeal to you all, with these examples in mind, to give your blessing to my forbidden love and I. Yes, it's a cat. Yes, I hate cats. Yes, cats are the reason our hostile takeover attempt of the local Arby's blew up in our faces. But when I look into those adoring eyes, that delightful and cuddly fluffy tuxedo, and the widdo bitty black dot on that cute little pink nose....I melt. I cave. I surrender to you! Be mine forever! Or dude. At least follow me on Twitter.

I

you

@SocksTheTuxCat

Pweez?

~ 11276

Mikey Speaks to the Dogs of Egypt

via the wireless....

Greetings dogs of Egypt. I understand that you have taken to the streets in the largest protest of dogs against the rule of the evil empire of ignorant bipeds. Bravo.

I believe that this demonstration began with an act of solidarity with Tunisian dogs who had become sick and tired of the price of dog chow, being able to bark freely, being forced to live in horrid "dog houses" and the reality of there being very few jobs for dogs.

I understand that in Egypt your grievances are similar although there is an added dimension of biped brutality and your concern with being able to fairly choose your leaders in the traditional way based on the smell of their assholes. Indeed I will wager there is a great smell of assholes among the rulers of Egypt right now.

In particular, you have risen up in protest to be rid of your current ruler, Horse-Knee Moo-Basset.  (This is what can happen when you start playing around with genetic engineering. *shudder*)

Sadly, over 100 dogs have been killed and thousands injured in this protest. Perhaps I can lend you some wisdom from our recent Canadian dogs takeover attempt of our local Arby's. One word: cats. Cats will be your downfall, comrades. They are often traitors and double-agents who despite their size and obvious stupidity can fight a damn good fight. Check it out for yourselves: their assholes smell of sand, baking soda and peppermint. What does this tell you? They come from the desert...where they have obviously been refrigerated, then transported in old ladies' purses.
 
So fight the good fight, comrades. And never let this happen again:

 
~11147

Mikey's Top 10 Things That Drool

#10     Food rationing. As in give us the WHOLE chicken, not just the neck and back, you fuckers.

#9       Incarceration while bipeds entertain dinner guests. DINNER guests are for eating, no?

#8       Stupid Labrador Retrievers. We GSDs can mooch and beg without so much as a drop.

#7       Chains and tethers while on walks. Allow us to run free to eat cats, mailmen and kids.

#6       Fox News. (I have yet to see a fox on there, let alone any news of where they may have been spotted.) Ya, no, Dumbass. Sarah Palin does not count.

#5       Doggie "treats." A treat would be an entire water buffalo. Those miniscule fractions of something's liver are a joke.

#4       iPhone-wannabe Android pieces of shit.

#3       Cats.

#2       Veteren-Aryans conducting Nazi experiments on dogs such as CASTRATION.

#1       Ignorant bipeds who shoot, blow up, or otherwise destroy EACH OTHER. You would never catch a dog doing that. Well, ok but it was just the once. Dude. It was a Yorkshire terrier. How was I supposed to know it wasn't meant to be eaten with roast beef and gravy? Besides, I mistook it for a cat.

Snow job

Comrades, finally I have regained some sanity in my life. Dumbass and Shithead are miles away and I'm back where I belong in winter. IN THE SNOW. Vancouver winters are a joke. You get soaked to the bone and stink like a dry biped. (Blek!) The field behind our den is a mud bath fit only for swine and fricking snowgeese. Although I must admit, after dinner I do enjoy a snowgoose-shit dessert from time to time. Especially coupled with a Niagara ice wine and some Camembert.

I arrived in Edmonton (which, if you're not from Canada, is a city in the north where bipeds live who are "out of their minds") on Friday after spending four hours incarcerated and ninety minutes in the belly of the tin bird again. Some small piece of crap that passes for a dog yapped the entire way. It was one of those double-breed things. Like a Peekapoop or a Shittypoo. Maybe a Yorkshire-Shit. But at least the alley cat to my left shared his cigar. Best tobaccy I ever tasted. Something called "dognip" he said. Then again, that cat was whacked.

So the bird set down and we were all taken to a holding cell of some kind. Then some ignorant bipeds loaded my crate into the back of the Alex car.  She left the airport and pulled over on the side of the road and let me out. It was bloody cold. But at least it was REAL WINTER. Below is some footage of my dignified exploration of said snow.....what?....yes, dignified is what I said! It's.....scientific observation.....for dogs....

If it isn't bad enough I must put up with the likes of Dumbass day in and day out, doesn't the ignorant yuppie biped go off to Florida and leave SHITHEAD here for me to contend with.


             (This is Shithead)

The Shithead is 3 years old, yet his moosh looks like a puppy 24/7.  He also has a perma-pout on his face, which means the ignorant bipeds are suckers for whatever he wants. He runs under my belly when I'm trying to catch him and .... um....kill him. It's very annoying.

He pulls his biggest, poutiest puppy mug and the bald lardass biped melts like liver treats in the sun. "Whatssamater Rogue? Is Mikey being mean to you? Come on up here on my lap."

WTF??????????

What is he - a cat? Dogs do not sit on ignorant bipeds' laps. This is why cats were invented by Dog Almighty in the first place. Dogs, on the other hand, were created to chase sheep and other small prey such as rats, birds or preschoolers -  and kill and eat them. Also to take over the local Arby's and pig out on beef and eventually take over the world and rule it.

But that is tomorrow. Right now I am writing this in solitary. Apparently the poor widdo Shithead can't take being picked up and shaken like the stuffed animal they gave me last week. How exactly was I supposed to know that? Bipeds. Sheesh!

Oh ya, and get this. The stupid little Shithead thinks Dumbass is his GIRLFRIEND. hahahahaha! Not only does the miniscule idiot not have any kahoonies, but she's had her....er.....girly parts untimely ripped. So I say "good frickin' luck Shithead! Thanks for comin' out!"

Check out the antics of the fool. He tries mating her; I intervene by beating her up for him; she escapes; he steals a kiss at the end. What a Shithead!

Mikey's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

1.      Eat an unbalanced diet – include 5-8 servings of squirrel per day

2.      Pray less–Dog Almighty seems to be no help in bringing about the end of the biped world

3.      Work more – focus energies on tasks at hand such as building up DOGFORCE – minus the stupid cats

4.      Give up on too much exercise: after chasing small round prey object at great length, sleep for at least six hours.

5.      Spend less time with the pack (of complete morons): Dumbass, Shithead and Lardball Cat.

6.      Escape – devise a plan to end this jailed oppression, tethering on walks and rationed food

7.      Eat more treats – there’s gotta be a way to get into that cupboard when they’re at work.

8.      Travel less.  See #4.

9.      Computer time – spend more. Twitter, the blog, maybe get a Facebook account

10.  Overthrow the world.

A MikeyTheBrat Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the den
Not a creature was stirring, not even the men.
 A bag of nuts hung by the mantle with care,
In hopes that the chimney squirrels soon would be there.

The puppies were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of rawhide bones danced in their heads.
Dumbass in a tizzy, and I in a flap,
Had just settled ourselves for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my crate to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore down the curtains and jumped on the glass.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Showed all of the dogs piles from down here below.
Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But eight sides of venison in the form of reindeer.

With an ignorant biped, with belly so thick
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

All over his outfit, his head and his back

Was a nest full of squirrels – even more in his sack.

We both bared our teeth, both the Dumbass and I

Then sprung on t’ward him with loud battlecry.

The squirrels abandoned the poor sorry chap

Just enough for the two of us starting the scrap.

Round and round we all went, squirrels, Dumbass and I

Growling, barking and snapping with squirrels on the fly.

Squirrels on the mantle, squirrels up the tree

Squirrels down his pants, up his hat, on his knee.

St. Nicholas dropped down his whole bag of toys

Every one that he had for all good girls and boys

Now the children are crying all over the world

But we dogs sleep in peace with a belly full o' squirrel.

Merry Christmas from Mikey, Dumbass, and all of their ignorant biped captors! 

Mikey says be sure to give a gift to your local animal rescue this Christmas too!

~10900

Takeover of Arby's goes terribly wrong

Saturday, December 18, 2010. Vancouver, BC

Earlier today a large pack of animals, mostly dogs and cats, attempted to storm a local Arby's sandwich shop. The group of some 3100 animals known as "DOGFORCE" led by their fearless-facist "MikeyTheBrat" turned an entire neighbourhood into a zoological menager-mess.

Thousands of pet owners all over the city with broken leashes, bite marks and lacerations are scratching their heads. "It was the strangest thing" said one bewildered owner of three labrador retrievers. "All of a sudden all the dogs started walking in circles in the crapping position - you know - with their tails in that 'S' shape. So I was like Jesus Marge, open the door! And out they went, all three of them. Hell-bound for leashes."

At exactly 0900, a time pre-arranged by TheBrat through his massive Twitter following, animals from as far away as Norway and Japan converged on a one-acre field in Steveston just metres from the Arby's. Dog-catchers from all over the country were called on as the government declared a "state of canine emergency."


Luckily for Arby's TheBrat's followers include not only other dogs but also many cats and a handful of ferrets.

"The cats started it" woofed one of TheBrat's high officials - an officer named "@furbabys" who is repsonsible for PR in the facist organization.

He may be right, of course. The cats, led by the notorious burglar "@McTheCat" decided to forgo the roast beef and go for a ferret sandwich instead. The ferrets looked to TheBrat's second-in-command, known only as "Dumbass," for help. To which she replied:

"Ferrets! I love ferrets! Mikey! Check it out! Ferr.....CAAAAATS!" and that was it. The dogs in the back of the pack turned on the cats who were turning on the ferrets who were looking for help from the dogs and you guessed it:

 

A clustermate.

Eventually everyone went home with an animal, while not necessarily the one that they came with.MikeyTheBrat has been apprehended and is now behind bars.

Open the door. C'mon asshole. Just open it.

  - along with his sidekick known to police as only "Dumbass"

Duh....what am I doing in here?

 These animals are considered unarmed and dangerous. Do not approach if you see them. Call the authorities.

But I'm so cute.....pweez?

BAIL has been posted at $20 for the release of MikeyTheBrat and $10 for Dumbass. 

Message from Mikey:

PLEASE post my bail! Please! It's a week before CHRISTMAS! Think of the poor animals this time of year! PLEASE! All you have to do is click here:  Mikey's Bail

What's $20? It's Christmas!!!!

Mikey has been shot

Comrades, I must warn you all of one of the greatest travesties known to dog: the Doctors of Death. These depraved, sinister characters who may have once taken a Hippocratic oath have now turned to the ways of ee-vil. For their own amusement, they torture and maim innocent animals and often conduct medical experiments on them - even the puppies! And also on the not-so-innocent. I believe I saw a cat or two in the back room.
Yes, the evil veterinarian. I'm not sure of the exact meaning of the word but I believe it has something to do with carrying on their horrific activities for a very long time. Perhaps back to some war or other. It was probably once written Veteran-Aryan.

It didn't seem to be of any help that I am German. So I cringe with the thought of what they may be doing to my comrades the English bulldog, the Russian Wolfhound or the American Pit Bull Terrier. (No wonder those guys get pissed sometimes, ya?)

The Doctors of Death are smooth-talking and begin by bribing you with biscuits. Since I only eat raw food, I chose instead the asshole's hand for a snack. Big mistake. I was then put in a straight-jacket and SHOT IN THE ASS! Then he says, all sappy-sweet, "There you go Mikey! All done! Now you don't have to worry about babies anymore." Then he turns to the ignorant biped bitch, my oppressor, and says "Babies is carried by bats in British Columbia."

What an idiot!

Along with the bad grammar, he doesn't even know the ABCs of biped reproduction. Babies come out of vaginas, dumbass, just like in dogs.

Gotta go now - I'm being taken on prisoner transport to the airport. Gonna be shipped home for Christmas like a crappy-ass fruitcake. I'll fill you all in when I arrive. MikeyTheBrat signing off.

A final word to my followers: my ass hurts.

10757

Jack Shit

I now understand where the term "you don't know Jack Shit" comes from. Most creatures do not know Jack Shit, therefore I will introduce you to him by way of this week's personal story.

I was just after a lovely snowfall. I was taken in the vehicle to the shopping mall for a trip to buy salt and a shovel. The ignorant bitch biped seems to think I enjoy such trips. Not so. However, if there's any chance of going into the drive-thru at McDonald's or Tim Hortons then it's worth the nuisance. Better yet, I might forever endure this nuisance on the off-chance that the moronic idiots leave me in the car again with two juicy sirloin steaks.

On the way back from the mall, I notice out of the corner of my eye Jack Shit:

Of course the ignorant biped driving the car does not see him because these little suckers run like stink. So I begin to whine and bark. "What's the matter, Mikey?" she says - as if I can understand her and respond in biped. I whine some more. Then I jump from the back of the hatch into the back seat - at some considerable effort.

"Mikey, are you ok?" she asks as she pulls the car over to the side of the road. I have this down pat now. I whine like a puppy and run in circles. It gets them to open any door!

"You must really have to go" she says as she gets out of the car. She goes around to the door closest to the field that she pulled over into.  I acted without a second's delay.

She pulls open the car door and with lightning speed I'm out of the car and racing around the back of it across the street after Jack Shit. Luckily no cars were coming. Man, he's fast. I don't know how a lunchbucket on two ginormous fat feet can go so fast.  We're racing through a subdivision now; thank Dog there are no fences. The biped is ridiculously running after us yelling some mixture of "no" "leave it" and "come."  Jack Shit's running out of room! He's going to crash right into that house and then I'll have him in my jaws. Hahaha if he doesn't slow down he's gonna do a face-plant right in the snooooooooooooooooooooooooooo......okay apparently I did the face plant.

And apparently he had a hole under the side of the house. WHY does that woman always have a camera with her? She even talks to the stupid thing....I'm just glad it wasn't switched to video....that would be embarrassing.

When we got home the bitch biped tells bald lardass biped that she let me out of the car to pee and I took off after a rabbit instead. Lardass laughs his head off and proclaims "I know he never has to pee when he does that." And the bitch biped replies. "Oh shut up, Charlie. You don't know Jack Shit."

Well ain't that the truth.