Monday, November 29, 2010

Jack Shit

I now understand where the term "you don't know Jack Shit" comes from. Most creatures do not know Jack Shit, therefore I will introduce you to him by way of this week's personal story.

I was just after a lovely snowfall. I was taken in the vehicle to the shopping mall for a trip to buy salt and a shovel. The ignorant bitch biped seems to think I enjoy such trips. Not so. However, if there's any chance of going into the drive-thru at McDonald's or Tim Hortons then it's worth the nuisance. Better yet, I might forever endure this nuisance on the off-chance that the moronic idiots leave me in the car again with two juicy sirloin steaks.

On the way back from the mall, I notice out of the corner of my eye Jack Shit:

Of course the ignorant biped driving the car does not see him because these little suckers run like stink. So I begin to whine and bark. "What's the matter, Mikey?" she says - as if I can understand her and respond in biped. I whine some more. Then I jump from the back of the hatch into the back seat - at some considerable effort.

"Mikey, are you ok?" she asks as she pulls the car over to the side of the road. I have this down pat now. I whine like a puppy and run in circles. It gets them to open any door!

"You must really have to go" she says as she gets out of the car. She goes around to the door closest to the field that she pulled over into.  I acted without a second's delay.

She pulls open the car door and with lightning speed I'm out of the car and racing around the back of it across the street after Jack Shit. Luckily no cars were coming. Man, he's fast. I don't know how a lunchbucket on two ginormous fat feet can go so fast.  We're racing through a subdivision now; thank Dog there are no fences. The biped is ridiculously running after us yelling some mixture of "no" "leave it" and "come."  Jack Shit's running out of room! He's going to crash right into that house and then I'll have him in my jaws. Hahaha if he doesn't slow down he's gonna do a face-plant right in the snooooooooooooooooooooooooooo......okay apparently I did the face plant.

And apparently he had a hole under the side of the house. WHY does that woman always have a camera with her? She even talks to the stupid thing....I'm just glad it wasn't switched to video....that would be embarrassing.

When we got home the bitch biped tells bald lardass biped that she let me out of the car to pee and I took off after a rabbit instead. Lardass laughs his head off and proclaims "I know he never has to pee when he does that." And the bitch biped replies. "Oh shut up, Charlie. You don't know Jack Shit."

Well ain't that the truth.