Monday, November 22, 2010


Comrades, many ignorant bipeds are unsure of why I have deemed them so. They ask me, "Mikey. Why do you always call bipeds ignorant?" Some assume it is only because I am bitter. Au contraire! Yes, I am being oppressed, bound in chains, jailed and my food is rationed. Yes, Dumbass and Shithead are incarcerated far less than me simply because they follow the ignorant bipeds' orders and ... um...they don't charge barking into passersby. Whatever. I am NOT repeat NOT bitter.

So why the term "ignorant?" It comes from the ancient Greek "gnosis" mean "to know." Add the "I" and it means know-nothing. Bipeds know nothing. They don't know how to kill something with their teeth; they don't know how to chase squirrels; they don't know how to track with their noses; they don't know how to keep themselves warm in the winter; they don't even know how to mate. Geesh! (Don't get me started on that.) And they also don't know anything about dogs. Let me give you an example from the past weekend...

The ignorant yuppie bipeds decide to take me in the car when they go shopping. Normally, I am incarcerated in the back of this car. Until they leave the vehicle. Then, despite what they do and despite what they tell me, I jump into the front. I do this every time they have ever left the vehicle. And here's another "normal" thing. Virtually every time we go out to do biped errands, the yuppies buy me a burger at McDonald's. They enjoy giving it to me in the wrapping paper so I can enjoy ripping the shit out of something to get my food. These are two NORMAL things we do EVERY TIME we go out in the car.

So what do these ignorant bipeds do on Saturday? They stop at the butcher to ask him about the last batch of chicken backs and necks they got for us. Was it fit for ignorant biped consumption they asked. Apparently it was, even though it gave me the green-apple two-step. Another matter. Anyway, while at the butcher they decide to have a romantic dinner that evening and they buy themselves two lucious juicy sirloin steaks. The steaks are wrapped in paper. On the way home they stop for one last errand and leave me in the car.



As a final note, may I just say, that sirloin steak seems to be very easily digested and I did not get so much as a bubble of gas from it.

Just sayin'.