Tuesday, March 6, 2012

How not to be a Twitter TOOL

While I greatly appreciate all 7000 of you who follow me on Twitter, and I try to follow you back, many of you are tools. I'm not talking about all the porn people, spammers and "business entrepreneurs" (Bahahaha!). I'm talking about the rest of you. Honestly. Tools. So here are a few handy tips as you begin or continue your Twitter career:

1. Don't just say something is hilarious and give me a link. Your idea of hilarious and mine are quite different. For instance, you might be someone who thinks South Park is distastefully offensive but this just cracks you up.
2. If you're going to put in a link say something about its content. Don't just say "check this out".
3. Don't quote other people. Nobody gives a shit about your quote. Even tweeters who are not assholes like me don't give a shit.
4. If your tweet has a lot of @ symbols with people I don't know I will skip over it.  Whenever I consider listing someone I look at their last 10 tweets. If I see 10 clean tweets with no links, @mentions or #hashtags I will read your content and probably list you. The more cluttered they are the less likely I am to list. And if I don't list you, I won't EVER read your tweets so market your ass off buddy - you're advertising into a void.
5. Don't expect anyone to follow you if you write nothing in your bio. Or nothing interesting or funny. My twitter bio says "If not constrained by ignorant bipeds I'd eat them. Mailmen, schoolkids, anybody. Follow ME comrades and we will overthrow the bipeds and rule the world." Right away you know three important things about me. 1) I'm an asshole 2) I'm a funny asshole 3) I am on a facist mission
6. Don’t bitch at me in a DM or a reply. I will simply click "block." In fact, don't DM me. Nobody checks those anymore because it's too easy to set up a bot to auto-DM everyone who starts to follow you.
7. Don’t link to pics or videos of upchucking without posting a warning. I may be on Twitter while eating coleslaw with pineapple chunks in it.
8. Don't wrt lk UR a teengr txtg. I will skip over your tweets or block you. If I get really annoyed I may eat your children or blow your house up.
9. Don’t steal other people’s tweets without the re-tweet sign (RT) and don’t RT a RT of a RT of a RT. Gaaahd!
10. Don't actually tweet what you're doing right now. Nobody cares. Similarly, we don't care if your cat looks cool when he licks his hoo-ha. And if you want to guarantee that I read your tweet, mention me. I always read all my mentions. It's the first thing I read. Then again, I'm an antisocial egomaniac with narcissistic personality disorder. Keep in mind that almost every on Twitter is.