Monday, January 24, 2011

Mikey's Top 10 Things That Drool

#10     Food rationing. As in give us the WHOLE chicken, not just the neck and back, you fuckers.

#9       Incarceration while bipeds entertain dinner guests. DINNER guests are for eating, no?

#8       Stupid Labrador Retrievers. We GSDs can mooch and beg without so much as a drop.

#7       Chains and tethers while on walks. Allow us to run free to eat cats, mailmen and kids.

#6       Fox News. (I have yet to see a fox on there, let alone any news of where they may have been spotted.) Ya, no, Dumbass. Sarah Palin does not count.

#5       Doggie "treats." A treat would be an entire water buffalo. Those miniscule fractions of something's liver are a joke.

#4       iPhone-wannabe Android pieces of shit.

#3       Cats.

#2       Veteren-Aryans conducting Nazi experiments on dogs such as CASTRATION.

#1       Ignorant bipeds who shoot, blow up, or otherwise destroy EACH OTHER. You would never catch a dog doing that. Well, ok but it was just the once. Dude. It was a Yorkshire terrier. How was I supposed to know it wasn't meant to be eaten with roast beef and gravy? Besides, I mistook it for a cat.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Snow job

Comrades, finally I have regained some sanity in my life. Dumbass and Shithead are miles away and I'm back where I belong in winter. IN THE SNOW. Vancouver winters are a joke. You get soaked to the bone and stink like a dry biped. (Blek!) The field behind our den is a mud bath fit only for swine and fricking snowgeese. Although I must admit, after dinner I do enjoy a snowgoose-shit dessert from time to time. Especially coupled with a Niagara ice wine and some Camembert.

I arrived in Edmonton (which, if you're not from Canada, is a city in the north where bipeds live who are "out of their minds") on Friday after spending four hours incarcerated and ninety minutes in the belly of the tin bird again. Some small piece of crap that passes for a dog yapped the entire way. It was one of those double-breed things. Like a Peekapoop or a Shittypoo. Maybe a Yorkshire-Shit. But at least the alley cat to my left shared his cigar. Best tobaccy I ever tasted. Something called "dognip" he said. Then again, that cat was whacked.

So the bird set down and we were all taken to a holding cell of some kind. Then some ignorant bipeds loaded my crate into the back of the Alex car.  She left the airport and pulled over on the side of the road and let me out. It was bloody cold. But at least it was REAL WINTER. Below is some footage of my dignified exploration of said snow.....what?....yes, dignified is what I said! It's.....scientific observation.....for dogs....

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

If it isn't bad enough I must put up with the likes of Dumbass day in and day out, doesn't the ignorant yuppie biped go off to Florida and leave SHITHEAD here for me to contend with.

             (This is Shithead)

The Shithead is 3 years old, yet his moosh looks like a puppy 24/7.  He also has a perma-pout on his face, which means the ignorant bipeds are suckers for whatever he wants. He runs under my belly when I'm trying to catch him and .... um....kill him. It's very annoying.

He pulls his biggest, poutiest puppy mug and the bald lardass biped melts like liver treats in the sun. "Whatssamater Rogue? Is Mikey being mean to you? Come on up here on my lap."


What is he - a cat? Dogs do not sit on ignorant bipeds' laps. This is why cats were invented by Dog Almighty in the first place. Dogs, on the other hand, were created to chase sheep and other small prey such as rats, birds or preschoolers -  and kill and eat them. Also to take over the local Arby's and pig out on beef and eventually take over the world and rule it.

But that is tomorrow. Right now I am writing this in solitary. Apparently the poor widdo Shithead can't take being picked up and shaken like the stuffed animal they gave me last week. How exactly was I supposed to know that? Bipeds. Sheesh!

Oh ya, and get this. The stupid little Shithead thinks Dumbass is his GIRLFRIEND. hahahahaha! Not only does the miniscule idiot not have any kahoonies, but she's had parts untimely ripped. So I say "good frickin' luck Shithead! Thanks for comin' out!"

Check out the antics of the fool. He tries mating her; I intervene by beating her up for him; she escapes; he steals a kiss at the end. What a Shithead!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Mikey's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

1.      Eat an unbalanced diet – include 5-8 servings of squirrel per day
2.      Pray less–Dog Almighty seems to be no help in bringing about the end of the biped world
3.      Work more – focus energies on tasks at hand such as building up DOGFORCE – minus the stupid cats
4.      Give up on too much exercise: after chasing small round prey object at great length, sleep for at least six hours.
5.      Spend less time with the pack (of complete morons): Dumbass, Shithead and Lardball Cat.
6.      Escape – devise a plan to end this jailed oppression, tethering on walks and rationed food
7.      Eat more treats – there’s gotta be a way to get into that cupboard when they’re at work.
8.      Travel less.  See #4.
9.      Computer time – spend more. Twitter, the blog, maybe get a Facebook account
10.  Overthrow the world.