Monday, November 29, 2010

Jack Shit

I now understand where the term "you don't know Jack Shit" comes from. Most creatures do not know Jack Shit, therefore I will introduce you to him by way of this week's personal story.

I was just after a lovely snowfall. I was taken in the vehicle to the shopping mall for a trip to buy salt and a shovel. The ignorant bitch biped seems to think I enjoy such trips. Not so. However, if there's any chance of going into the drive-thru at McDonald's or Tim Hortons then it's worth the nuisance. Better yet, I might forever endure this nuisance on the off-chance that the moronic idiots leave me in the car again with two juicy sirloin steaks.

On the way back from the mall, I notice out of the corner of my eye Jack Shit:

Of course the ignorant biped driving the car does not see him because these little suckers run like stink. So I begin to whine and bark. "What's the matter, Mikey?" she says - as if I can understand her and respond in biped. I whine some more. Then I jump from the back of the hatch into the back seat - at some considerable effort.

"Mikey, are you ok?" she asks as she pulls the car over to the side of the road. I have this down pat now. I whine like a puppy and run in circles. It gets them to open any door!

"You must really have to go" she says as she gets out of the car. She goes around to the door closest to the field that she pulled over into.  I acted without a second's delay.

She pulls open the car door and with lightning speed I'm out of the car and racing around the back of it across the street after Jack Shit. Luckily no cars were coming. Man, he's fast. I don't know how a lunchbucket on two ginormous fat feet can go so fast.  We're racing through a subdivision now; thank Dog there are no fences. The biped is ridiculously running after us yelling some mixture of "no" "leave it" and "come."  Jack Shit's running out of room! He's going to crash right into that house and then I'll have him in my jaws. Hahaha if he doesn't slow down he's gonna do a face-plant right in the snooooooooooooooooooooooooooo......okay apparently I did the face plant.

And apparently he had a hole under the side of the house. WHY does that woman always have a camera with her? She even talks to the stupid thing....I'm just glad it wasn't switched to video....that would be embarrassing.

When we got home the bitch biped tells bald lardass biped that she let me out of the car to pee and I took off after a rabbit instead. Lardass laughs his head off and proclaims "I know he never has to pee when he does that." And the bitch biped replies. "Oh shut up, Charlie. You don't know Jack Shit."

Well ain't that the truth.

Monday, November 22, 2010


Comrades, many ignorant bipeds are unsure of why I have deemed them so. They ask me, "Mikey. Why do you always call bipeds ignorant?" Some assume it is only because I am bitter. Au contraire! Yes, I am being oppressed, bound in chains, jailed and my food is rationed. Yes, Dumbass and Shithead are incarcerated far less than me simply because they follow the ignorant bipeds' orders and ... um...they don't charge barking into passersby. Whatever. I am NOT repeat NOT bitter.

So why the term "ignorant?" It comes from the ancient Greek "gnosis" mean "to know." Add the "I" and it means know-nothing. Bipeds know nothing. They don't know how to kill something with their teeth; they don't know how to chase squirrels; they don't know how to track with their noses; they don't know how to keep themselves warm in the winter; they don't even know how to mate. Geesh! (Don't get me started on that.) And they also don't know anything about dogs. Let me give you an example from the past weekend...

The ignorant yuppie bipeds decide to take me in the car when they go shopping. Normally, I am incarcerated in the back of this car. Until they leave the vehicle. Then, despite what they do and despite what they tell me, I jump into the front. I do this every time they have ever left the vehicle. And here's another "normal" thing. Virtually every time we go out to do biped errands, the yuppies buy me a burger at McDonald's. They enjoy giving it to me in the wrapping paper so I can enjoy ripping the shit out of something to get my food. These are two NORMAL things we do EVERY TIME we go out in the car.

So what do these ignorant bipeds do on Saturday? They stop at the butcher to ask him about the last batch of chicken backs and necks they got for us. Was it fit for ignorant biped consumption they asked. Apparently it was, even though it gave me the green-apple two-step. Another matter. Anyway, while at the butcher they decide to have a romantic dinner that evening and they buy themselves two lucious juicy sirloin steaks. The steaks are wrapped in paper. On the way home they stop for one last errand and leave me in the car.



As a final note, may I just say, that sirloin steak seems to be very easily digested and I did not get so much as a bubble of gas from it.

Just sayin'.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Extermination of the Jooz

Ladies and Gentlemen.....Miss Guinness....aka....Dumbass

Dumbass: "Bitches and Dogs, may I introduce our fearless leader, MikeyTheBrat.

Heil Mikey!"



Good evening comrades! I would first like to thank the Dumbass for that outstanding introduction. Then may I  thank each and every one of you for following me over the past few months. My pack has grown from just a couple of stupid bipeds, Dumbass and Shithead to nearly 3,000 strong. When I have 1 million followers we will take over the world. No more rationing of our food! No more unlawful imprisonment! No more protection of squirrels!

Yes, ma'am I will kiss your puppy. Bring him here. My, you're a cute little thing aren....GAAA!......that's my nose you sniveling little punk. Why I oughtta....

Yes, yes, of course. Thank you, Dumbass, for keeping my attention on task. And now for the matter at hand. Over the past few weeks, comrades, something disturbing has come to my attention. My highest ranking, not Dumbass and Shithead....I said high ranking - have called for me to exterminate all of the Jooz. I can understand their reasoning. Jooz hold way too much power in our dog society. They are a distraction from the important dog jobs of herding, hunting, pulling sleds, appearing in fashion shows and so forth. In fact, if we let Jooz get out of control we will no longer have these jobs.

But Jooz are a valuable commodity, comrades! Why not take full advantage of their potential? Jooz can be bought and sold, and I'm quite sure they will bring a fair price, especially on the black lab market. And can we not keep them in containers until we can use them? There is no reason to exterminate Jooz! In fact, when they get together with other Jooz, they can be quite delicious. Although they do stick in your teeth, so be sure to floss.

Therefore, it is the declaration of MikeyTheBrat on this fourteenth day of November, in the year of our lard two-thousand ten, that there will be no extermination of Jooz except by voluntary consumption!


Final note: Mikey hopes that nobody ever mixes up Jooz with Jews, and he intended no offense to the latter. As a gesture of good faith, Mikey has made a donation to the Holocaust Educational Trust and encourages all his readers to do the same after reading this blog. Here's the link.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Dogs in Biped Clothing

Comrades, as I travel about my fair city, albeit shackled and controlled by the ignorant biped bitch, I am witnessing a terrible sight. Dogs in biped clothing. At first, I did not realize they were in fact dogs. I assumed they were some sort of horrific twisted hybrid of biped and fur-bearing mammal. I chose to attack them whenever I could, as they seemed bent on attacking me, no matter that they weighed 2 1/2 pounds and I, 75. They're always right at the end of those retractable leashes where their biped handler cannot control them. Snarling, growling, thrashing about. I assumed the biped bitch would appreciate me murdering the annoying little fuckers but such was not the case. I was severely reprimanded for said gesture of kindness. (Damn I hate ignorant bipeds!)

Anyway, since I've been walking about and no longer in attack mode I came to the horrible realization that these small creatures wearing sweaters were actually dogs! Now I feel bad for resorting to dogicide. Sorry guys. But in the same breath...dudes! WTF??? ....

Monday, November 1, 2010

Christmas Cards Are Here!

Comrades. It has come to my attention that acquiring a million followers in my pack may not be enough to take over the world. Apparently I also need ignorant biped money. I have expenses. Say what? ... Yes, they're necessary expenses....Well, rawhide bones are necessary. I have to keep my strength up. Ya, ya, balls are expensive. And how the hell do you expect anybody to function without sirloin tip roasts?

So I have put together a little fundraiser. Supposedly Christmas is a time when the ignorant bipeds not only worship their gods but also gather together to eat feasts, bitch about shopping and rituals and give each other useless stuff. It's sentimental and the bipeds are therefore suckers for sentiment at this time of year.

Therefore in the spirit of sentiment and mush I am proud to present...

The MikeyTheBrat Christmas Card!

You can buy a package of 10 with envelopes for just $2.99 or 299 dead squirrels. To order click here:
Mikey's Christmas Cards