A MikeyTheBrat Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the den
Not a creature was stirring, not even the men.
 A bag of nuts hung by the mantle with care,
In hopes that the chimney squirrels soon would be there.

The puppies were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of rawhide bones danced in their heads.
Dumbass in a tizzy, and I in a flap,
Had just settled ourselves for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my crate to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore down the curtains and jumped on the glass.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Showed all of the dogs piles from down here below.
Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But eight sides of venison in the form of reindeer.

With an ignorant biped, with belly so thick
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

All over his outfit, his head and his back

Was a nest full of squirrels – even more in his sack.

We both bared our teeth, both the Dumbass and I

Then sprung on t’ward him with loud battlecry.

The squirrels abandoned the poor sorry chap

Just enough for the two of us starting the scrap.

Round and round we all went, squirrels, Dumbass and I

Growling, barking and snapping with squirrels on the fly.

Squirrels on the mantle, squirrels up the tree

Squirrels down his pants, up his hat, on his knee.

St. Nicholas dropped down his whole bag of toys

Every one that he had for all good girls and boys

Now the children are crying all over the world

But we dogs sleep in peace with a belly full o' squirrel.

Merry Christmas from Mikey, Dumbass, and all of their ignorant biped captors! 

Mikey says be sure to give a gift to your local animal rescue this Christmas too!

~10900

Takeover of Arby's goes terribly wrong

Saturday, December 18, 2010. Vancouver, BC

Earlier today a large pack of animals, mostly dogs and cats, attempted to storm a local Arby's sandwich shop. The group of some 3100 animals known as "DOGFORCE" led by their fearless-facist "MikeyTheBrat" turned an entire neighbourhood into a zoological menager-mess.

Thousands of pet owners all over the city with broken leashes, bite marks and lacerations are scratching their heads. "It was the strangest thing" said one bewildered owner of three labrador retrievers. "All of a sudden all the dogs started walking in circles in the crapping position - you know - with their tails in that 'S' shape. So I was like Jesus Marge, open the door! And out they went, all three of them. Hell-bound for leashes."

At exactly 0900, a time pre-arranged by TheBrat through his massive Twitter following, animals from as far away as Norway and Japan converged on a one-acre field in Steveston just metres from the Arby's. Dog-catchers from all over the country were called on as the government declared a "state of canine emergency."


Luckily for Arby's TheBrat's followers include not only other dogs but also many cats and a handful of ferrets.

"The cats started it" woofed one of TheBrat's high officials - an officer named "@furbabys" who is repsonsible for PR in the facist organization.

He may be right, of course. The cats, led by the notorious burglar "@McTheCat" decided to forgo the roast beef and go for a ferret sandwich instead. The ferrets looked to TheBrat's second-in-command, known only as "Dumbass," for help. To which she replied:

"Ferrets! I love ferrets! Mikey! Check it out! Ferr.....CAAAAATS!" and that was it. The dogs in the back of the pack turned on the cats who were turning on the ferrets who were looking for help from the dogs and you guessed it:

 

A clustermate.

Eventually everyone went home with an animal, while not necessarily the one that they came with.MikeyTheBrat has been apprehended and is now behind bars.

Open the door. C'mon asshole. Just open it.

  - along with his sidekick known to police as only "Dumbass"

Duh....what am I doing in here?

 These animals are considered unarmed and dangerous. Do not approach if you see them. Call the authorities.

But I'm so cute.....pweez?

BAIL has been posted at $20 for the release of MikeyTheBrat and $10 for Dumbass. 

Message from Mikey:

PLEASE post my bail! Please! It's a week before CHRISTMAS! Think of the poor animals this time of year! PLEASE! All you have to do is click here:  Mikey's Bail

What's $20? It's Christmas!!!!

Mikey has been shot

Comrades, I must warn you all of one of the greatest travesties known to dog: the Doctors of Death. These depraved, sinister characters who may have once taken a Hippocratic oath have now turned to the ways of ee-vil. For their own amusement, they torture and maim innocent animals and often conduct medical experiments on them - even the puppies! And also on the not-so-innocent. I believe I saw a cat or two in the back room.
Yes, the evil veterinarian. I'm not sure of the exact meaning of the word but I believe it has something to do with carrying on their horrific activities for a very long time. Perhaps back to some war or other. It was probably once written Veteran-Aryan.

It didn't seem to be of any help that I am German. So I cringe with the thought of what they may be doing to my comrades the English bulldog, the Russian Wolfhound or the American Pit Bull Terrier. (No wonder those guys get pissed sometimes, ya?)

The Doctors of Death are smooth-talking and begin by bribing you with biscuits. Since I only eat raw food, I chose instead the asshole's hand for a snack. Big mistake. I was then put in a straight-jacket and SHOT IN THE ASS! Then he says, all sappy-sweet, "There you go Mikey! All done! Now you don't have to worry about babies anymore." Then he turns to the ignorant biped bitch, my oppressor, and says "Babies is carried by bats in British Columbia."

What an idiot!

Along with the bad grammar, he doesn't even know the ABCs of biped reproduction. Babies come out of vaginas, dumbass, just like in dogs.

Gotta go now - I'm being taken on prisoner transport to the airport. Gonna be shipped home for Christmas like a crappy-ass fruitcake. I'll fill you all in when I arrive. MikeyTheBrat signing off.

A final word to my followers: my ass hurts.

10757

Jack Shit

I now understand where the term "you don't know Jack Shit" comes from. Most creatures do not know Jack Shit, therefore I will introduce you to him by way of this week's personal story.

I was just after a lovely snowfall. I was taken in the vehicle to the shopping mall for a trip to buy salt and a shovel. The ignorant bitch biped seems to think I enjoy such trips. Not so. However, if there's any chance of going into the drive-thru at McDonald's or Tim Hortons then it's worth the nuisance. Better yet, I might forever endure this nuisance on the off-chance that the moronic idiots leave me in the car again with two juicy sirloin steaks.

On the way back from the mall, I notice out of the corner of my eye Jack Shit:

Of course the ignorant biped driving the car does not see him because these little suckers run like stink. So I begin to whine and bark. "What's the matter, Mikey?" she says - as if I can understand her and respond in biped. I whine some more. Then I jump from the back of the hatch into the back seat - at some considerable effort.

"Mikey, are you ok?" she asks as she pulls the car over to the side of the road. I have this down pat now. I whine like a puppy and run in circles. It gets them to open any door!

"You must really have to go" she says as she gets out of the car. She goes around to the door closest to the field that she pulled over into.  I acted without a second's delay.

She pulls open the car door and with lightning speed I'm out of the car and racing around the back of it across the street after Jack Shit. Luckily no cars were coming. Man, he's fast. I don't know how a lunchbucket on two ginormous fat feet can go so fast.  We're racing through a subdivision now; thank Dog there are no fences. The biped is ridiculously running after us yelling some mixture of "no" "leave it" and "come."  Jack Shit's running out of room! He's going to crash right into that house and then I'll have him in my jaws. Hahaha if he doesn't slow down he's gonna do a face-plant right in the snooooooooooooooooooooooooooo......okay apparently I did the face plant.

And apparently he had a hole under the side of the house. WHY does that woman always have a camera with her? She even talks to the stupid thing....I'm just glad it wasn't switched to video....that would be embarrassing.

When we got home the bitch biped tells bald lardass biped that she let me out of the car to pee and I took off after a rabbit instead. Lardass laughs his head off and proclaims "I know he never has to pee when he does that." And the bitch biped replies. "Oh shut up, Charlie. You don't know Jack Shit."

Well ain't that the truth.

Definitions

Comrades, many ignorant bipeds are unsure of why I have deemed them so. They ask me, "Mikey. Why do you always call bipeds ignorant?" Some assume it is only because I am bitter. Au contraire! Yes, I am being oppressed, bound in chains, jailed and my food is rationed. Yes, Dumbass and Shithead are incarcerated far less than me simply because they follow the ignorant bipeds' orders and ... um...they don't charge barking into passersby. Whatever. I am NOT repeat NOT bitter.

So why the term "ignorant?" It comes from the ancient Greek "gnosis" mean "to know." Add the "I" and it means know-nothing. Bipeds know nothing. They don't know how to kill something with their teeth; they don't know how to chase squirrels; they don't know how to track with their noses; they don't know how to keep themselves warm in the winter; they don't even know how to mate. Geesh! (Don't get me started on that.) And they also don't know anything about dogs. Let me give you an example from the past weekend...

The ignorant yuppie bipeds decide to take me in the car when they go shopping. Normally, I am incarcerated in the back of this car. Until they leave the vehicle. Then, despite what they do and despite what they tell me, I jump into the front. I do this every time they have ever left the vehicle. And here's another "normal" thing. Virtually every time we go out to do biped errands, the yuppies buy me a burger at McDonald's. They enjoy giving it to me in the wrapping paper so I can enjoy ripping the shit out of something to get my food. These are two NORMAL things we do EVERY TIME we go out in the car.

So what do these ignorant bipeds do on Saturday? They stop at the butcher to ask him about the last batch of chicken backs and necks they got for us. Was it fit for ignorant biped consumption they asked. Apparently it was, even though it gave me the green-apple two-step. Another matter. Anyway, while at the butcher they decide to have a romantic dinner that evening and they buy themselves two lucious juicy sirloin steaks. The steaks are wrapped in paper. On the way home they stop for one last errand and leave me in the car.

????

IGNORANT BIPEDS!

As a final note, may I just say, that sirloin steak seems to be very easily digested and I did not get so much as a bubble of gas from it.

Just sayin'.

Extermination of the Jooz

Ladies and Gentlemen.....Miss Guinness....aka....Dumbass



Dumbass: "Bitches and Dogs, may I introduce our fearless leader, MikeyTheBrat.

Heil Mikey!"


 

Mikey:

Good evening comrades! I would first like to thank the Dumbass for that outstanding introduction. Then may I  thank each and every one of you for following me over the past few months. My pack has grown from just a couple of stupid bipeds, Dumbass and Shithead to nearly 3,000 strong. When I have 1 million followers we will take over the world. No more rationing of our food! No more unlawful imprisonment! No more protection of squirrels!

Yes, ma'am I will kiss your puppy. Bring him here. My, you're a cute little thing aren....GAAA!......that's my nose you sniveling little punk. Why I oughtta....

Yes, yes, of course. Thank you, Dumbass, for keeping my attention on task. And now for the matter at hand. Over the past few weeks, comrades, something disturbing has come to my attention. My highest ranking advisers...no, not Dumbass and Shithead....I said high ranking - have called for me to exterminate all of the Jooz. I can understand their reasoning. Jooz hold way too much power in our dog society. They are a distraction from the important dog jobs of herding, hunting, pulling sleds, appearing in fashion shows and so forth. In fact, if we let Jooz get out of control we will no longer have these jobs.


But Jooz are a valuable commodity, comrades! Why not take full advantage of their potential? Jooz can be bought and sold, and I'm quite sure they will bring a fair price, especially on the black lab market. And can we not keep them in containers until we can use them? There is no reason to exterminate Jooz! In fact, when they get together with other Jooz, they can be quite delicious. Although they do stick in your teeth, so be sure to floss.

Therefore, it is the declaration of MikeyTheBrat on this fourteenth day of November, in the year of our lard two-thousand ten, that there will be no extermination of Jooz except by voluntary consumption!

Mmmmm.....Joooooo-Jooz......yummah!

Final note: Mikey hopes that nobody ever mixes up Jooz with Jews, and he intended no offense to the latter. As a gesture of good faith, Mikey has made a donation to the Holocaust Educational Trust and encourages all his readers to do the same after reading this blog. Here's the link.
~10636

Dogs in Biped Clothing

Comrades, as I travel about my fair city, albeit shackled and controlled by the ignorant biped bitch, I am witnessing a terrible sight. Dogs in biped clothing. At first, I did not realize they were in fact dogs. I assumed they were some sort of horrific twisted hybrid of biped and fur-bearing mammal. I chose to attack them whenever I could, as they seemed bent on attacking me, no matter that they weighed 2 1/2 pounds and I, 75. They're always right at the end of those retractable leashes where their biped handler cannot control them. Snarling, growling, thrashing about. I assumed the biped bitch would appreciate me murdering the annoying little fuckers but such was not the case. I was severely reprimanded for said gesture of kindness. (Damn I hate ignorant bipeds!)

Anyway, since I've been walking about and no longer in attack mode I came to the horrible realization that these small creatures wearing sweaters were actually dogs! Now I feel bad for resorting to dogicide. Sorry guys. But in the same breath...dudes! WTF??? ....

Christmas Cards Are Here!

Comrades. It has come to my attention that acquiring a million followers in my pack may not be enough to take over the world. Apparently I also need ignorant biped money. I have expenses. Say what? ... Yes, they're necessary expenses....Well, rawhide bones are necessary. I have to keep my strength up. Ya, ya, well...tennis balls are expensive. And how the hell do you expect anybody to function without sirloin tip roasts?

So I have put together a little fundraiser. Supposedly Christmas is a time when the ignorant bipeds not only worship their gods but also gather together to eat feasts, bitch about shopping and rituals and give each other useless stuff. It's sentimental and the bipeds are therefore suckers for sentiment at this time of year.

Therefore in the spirit of sentiment and mush I am proud to present...

The MikeyTheBrat Christmas Card!

 

You can buy a package of 10 with envelopes for just $2.99 or 299 dead squirrels. To order click here:
Mikey's Christmas Cards


10585

The cone of shame

Shoutin' out to my buddies from the movie Up for that awesome name for it.

So first of all, I just wanna say to my good friend and trusted daily den-mate and companion, Guinness, aka Dumbass:

Hahahahahahahha! Ahahaha! Ah-hahaha Ah-hahaha Ah-hoo A-hee A-hoo-hee. Okay, okay. I'm alright. It's just - aaaaaa......hahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahhaa!!! hahahahahahhahahaa! OMD you look so ridiculous! Hahahahahahha....Dog, my sides hurt....Owwww my stomach muscles!.....

Oh my frickin' dog that is just so pfffft...moo-ahahahahahahhahahha! ..... *snort*...I'm trying to update my blog here and I just keep ROFL. Literally rolling on the floor...on my back....with my..... hahahahahahahhaaa....legs....in the....hahahahahahahahhahaha....air. They're pedaling now! My legs are pedaling like I'm a frickin' biped! Do they make pedal machines for quads? A quadracyle? What would that look like? ......not as funny as this:

Hahahahahahahhahaa Oh geez I'm completely losin' it! Every time I get up off the floor and look over I see you in that ridiculous co-ho-ho-ho-hone of sh-sh-sh-sh-aaaamehahahaha! Ahahahahaha! I think I've laughed my ass off. Let's see. I can't find my ass! Round and round I go in circles looking for my ass. I do believe I've laughed it right off! Lassie-Mary-and-Joseph-and-Rin-Tin-Tin my ass is gone. Hahahahahahah! Oooohoohooohoohoo! I'm dizzy as hell now. I'll just fall over on my side then and try to rest here.

Nope I can still see youhahahahahahaha! Oh Dumbass you are absolutely hystericalhahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahhahaa! Forget it! Forget it! I can't possibly blog like this...*waves paw in the air* ... Teeheehee. Teeheehee. Teeheeheeheeheehee wahahahaHA!

A-hahahahahahahahaha! Oh I'm cryin'! I'm cryin' like a puppy. Tears runnin' down my nose now. Maybe I'll lick 'em off my paws. Hey Dumbass check it out! I'm lickin' my paws! Hahahahahahahaha! Har har har har har! *cough* *cough* *cough*haahahahahaha *cough* *cough* *cough*....ugh....I may puke now... heeheehee....haha...hahahathat'sfunnytoo.....hahahahahaha......

Notice to all of Mikey's blog readers:
Unfortunately MikeyTheBrat is indisposed and not able to update his blog this week. If he's not still laughing by next weekend, check back for an update.
~10555

OMD! Mikey's puppy porn

Notice to all ignorant bipeds: If you forget this blog's URL, just search for it using the word "porn." Especially "puppy porn." It will make your computers run better.

*rubs paws together* mwahahaha

*shakes jowls to get images out of head*

Now they've really done it. I, the mighty Mikey, have been exploited and humiliated in front of my peers. The ignorant bipeds have somehow gotten a hold of my puppy picture and spread it all over the internet. Yes, NAKED PUPPY PORN!

What a schmuck! What's that? Fat? FAT???? Look a-hole, it's called....

Water-boarding

Comrades, when we finally stage the revolt and take over the world from the ignorant bipeds I will stand by this campaign promise: there will be no more baths! Not for us anyway. But those bipeds whom we do not obliterate we shall throw into a tub of soap and hold down until they whimper like puppies. See how they like it.

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon on the west coast of British Columbia.  The sun was shining, the squirrels were running to and fro, and Dumbass and Shithead were sleeping unawares. In other words, there were many tasks before me. I was plotting strategy on the couch:

Yes, that's what I said, "plotting strategy." I know it looks like I was sleeping.

Immediately I was awoken...I mean startled....from my resting place with the bald lardass biped chirping some sounds that seemed to me like an offer of food, outdoor fun or toys to destroy. He was smiling and beckoning me upstairs: "Bla bla bla? Bla bla Mikey bla bla? C'mon! bla bla bla bla! Bla?"

I stupidly followed him into the trap........

Nice? Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice???

So this afternoon the ignorant bipeds say, "Let's go on a nice walk. We'll take Mikey and Guinness." Okay...rewind. Here's what I think of that:

 First of all, a nice walk would be me walking wherever I damn well please without being strangled by an ignorant biped. Second of all, if I have to go out with you fools bound and chained, WHY does it have to be with Dumbass? We're talking about a member of the magnificent canine species who hops sideways on all fours when she hears the word "walk." Sideways. If only I had video...

I yawn in your general direction.

The bald lardass biped opts for walking the boardwalk down at the fishing village. The bitch biped opts for handling me. She only weighs about half of me. I might be able to take her, so I head out with a glimmer of hope.

Down at the boardwalk there are zillions of other dogs to growl, snap and bark at. Every time I do that the bipeds let Dumbass jump all over me wagging her tail. "You tell him Guinness! Make him lighten up!" she chirps like a bird with a mouth full of worm barf.

We reach an empty lot, mostly fenced in and the bipeds think it'll be a safe place for us to romp and play off leash for a bit. But what they forgot was that cats, bloody cats, can climb in there. Moments after our arrival I catch a whiff. Mmmmmmm....marshmallow fluff cat....and I was hoping for a snack. I turn on my heels and run hell-bent for leashes after it. Cornered the little bugger. He begs for his life like a sniveling baby. Oo the powah!

I let him live. Call me an old softie, but when it comes to cats I can't help myself. I'm nice.

~ 10445

Jowl-shaking month - 10409

Comrades! I have been through hell and high kibble the past few weeks and thus my tardiness in updating the blog. At one point, I was deprived of computer privileges for 2 weeks. There has been much torture.

First, I was taken by prisoner transport for 3 days to Edmonton, Alberta. As expected, I was chained and caged for the trip. For some reason Dumbass and Shithead got to stay with the yuppie biped cuz they're "easy to handle." This is true. And it's because they're dumbass tail-wagging dolts. Whatever.

I was allowed some freedoms on the 3-day trip. Got to sleep in some hotel beds and ...

A Call to Arms

Comrades, I am in much despair. Never mind that Shithead annoys me continuously by running under my belly before I can flip around and consume him once and for all. But that is a mere annoyance compared to the latest diabolical plans of my oppressors. Apparently the yuppie bitch biped is moving to Edmonton, Alberta. and she is taking me with her. The ignorant bipeds CLAIM this is for her protection however I suspect that it is more sinister than that. I shall try to devise a plan

The bigger they are the harder they get wasted

I have to say that notwithstanding the fact that nearly a thousand cats are following me on Twitter, I am not a fan of cats.  Unless they are accompanied by a cream cheese sauce. In my den, there are two real-life cats who spend their entire existence on the bipeds' bed upstairs for fear of Dumbass. Dumbass, true to her name, thinks she can chase said cats under said bed and not emerge with - count 'em - three claws embedded in the top of her nose. Meanwhile, I'm trying to sleep. Impossible with all the snarling, screaming, growling and hissing going on. And that's just America's Next Top Model on the TV.

One thing about cats that never ceases to tickle my big hairy belly is how easily they get wasted on weed. The biped bitch grows the weed in her herb garden, presumably to kill off neighborhood cats via cardiac arrest when they jump the fence while Dumbass is lying on the patio. Last week one of them tried to make it back over the fence in a hellava hurry, missed a step, fell in the fish pond, then leaped straight up in the air and over. BMFAO!

Back to the weed. Every once in a while the biped bitch cuts down a plant and brings it in to the den for "our" cats. This is amusing, in that...

FM(Mikey's)L

Comrades, I know that I have been gathering followers steadily over the past few weeks and indeed this is my goal. Twitter followers. Cyber-followers if you will. But up until now, I have been blessed by having the den mainly to myself and Dumbass. However last Saturday changed all that...

Oh Shit-z-hund!

This past week has entailed a major setback in my plans. One of my biped oppressors (the bitch) is now at home in our den 24/7. She apparently quit her day-job to become "a writer." ROTFBMAO!

Despite her futile attempt at making a living doing this, her presence nevertheless makes it all-the-more difficult to plot the ignorant bipeds' demise.  Equally impossible now are many of my leisure activities such as: jump the fence, beat up Dumbass, chew camera lenses, terrorize cats, dig holes or even so much as look at the preschool kids in the field behind the fence - let alone drool over them while wearing a large bib and brandishing a knife and fork. Geez....those bipeds are testy!

To make matters worse...

Letters from Prison

The ignorant bipeds are unawares of my covert activities as they are engrossed in watching the FIFA final. Pfffft! The stupid bipeds playing that game don't even realize they can sink their teeth into that ball, shake the shit out of it and render it useless for anything else.

Haven't been blogging lately as I was incarcerated in the state pen, along with Dumbass, for some crime called...

The Plan

The revolution is going well. I now have over 1200 followers. This should be enough to bring down all of the bipeds who frequent MY park behind the den. Dumbass can create a diversion by wagging her tail at all the bipeds in the park and jumping for joy as she so stupidly does every day we're out there.

Here's how it should go....

Dumbass

The ignorant bipeds are out of the den, apparently "working." They leave dumbass and I to guard the den. The female biped says "You behave yourself Mikey. Be nice to Guinness!" Stupid bitch. Not the biped. Guinness. aka Dumbass.  She picks her favorite spot on the chesterfield - perched where she can launch a frontal attack on me of licking and tail-wagging. I have tried to destroy her but this brings great punishment by my oppressors. Honestly, what I must daily endure comrades! We must swiftly achieve an end to this!

So far I have 494 followers. I was hoping for a million, but I'm not sure how long I can stand it under the oppressive biped rule. What's the point in life if a dog cannot be a dog and do what we all love best:...

Solitary

Today the ignorant bipeds locked me in solitary confinement. Dumbass was allowed to roam free in the den. Their lame excuse was...

Vacuum Pack

The ignorant bipeds are sleeping longer than usual. Apparently to pay homage to their dead queen. Note to self: bipeds organize themselves like small stinging insects. Watch for a flying attack on the gums. Check nooks and crannies of the den for honey when bipeds leave for work.

I erroniously believed I had sufficiently fooled the bipeds for now. Upon awakening this morning they lick my head with their front paws. I weakened for a moment, comrades. I confess. It felt good. But then, as soon as they had caught me unawares the attack began. Their weapon of choice - the most evil of all weapons against a dog...

Mikey, the Brat

The ignorant bipeds are sleeping. I awaken them by attempting to capture breakfast: Starling a l'orange. Note to self: ignorant bipeds closely guard integrity of screen-doors. I feign further sleep as they walk in circles clicking mechanical devices and drinking magical black water. Dumbass submits to me by crouching on front quarters, dumb ass in the air wagging tail and barking. She jumps in circles and chases said tail. I open one eye.