The Brat is Back

Wow - long time no talk to, comrades. The ignorant biped bitch hogs the computer constantly for her "writing." Pffffft....as if someone wants to read a book about "personal improvement." I'll give ya personal improvement you stupid humans. Try this: YOU lay at the end of the bed, let us ration YOUR food and we'll shove YOU in a crate when our friends come over so you don't eat them. That would improve all o' y'all a whole lot.

Our pack has been distracted by a number of things in the last half of last year. One set of yuppie bipeds moved in here with us (Lord Dog have mercy) while another set had a litter of pups. Well, just one pup. It's bald, screams a lot and smells delicious, like cottage cheese. (I can smell her from my JAIL CELL in the garage whenever she comes over.) Here is a picture of the small human pup when she was a few hours old. I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Secondly, I've been spending a lot of time with my forbidden-love, whose name is Chili Pepper. Must have named her in honour of Jean Chretien, the RCMP and various local police forces involved in the Occupy movement.  I know, I know. She's 5 pounds full-grown and I'm 75. Yes, yes, I could crush her with one blow and fit her whole body in my mouth but why would I do that? First of all, I have been indog-anely castrated by the Doctors of Death long ago. The same DODs sterilized her a few months back as well. So we're just Plutonic friends. You know what I mean, right? Plutonic: adjective: def.: homosexual dog + grossly over/undersized other creature relationship.

As far as I know, Chili and I are homosexuals. We've both had all our plumbing removed so that makes us the same sex, right? Male-Female-Other. We check "other."  Here is a picture of my beloved, my darling, my widdo mush-moufs koochie koochie koo:

She does take some liberties with my DOGbed, but that's ok. If Chili and I were the last two animals on earth I would probably wait at least two or three days before eating her.

So that's what our pack has been doing. Oh ya...PLUS the yuppie biped bitch who lives with us started her own business selling cakes and cupcakes and everyone is helping her. They smell pretty good. However any attempts I've made to suggest adding dead squirrel to the batter have been frowned upon. As bipeds go, she's the coolest. She raises money selling cupcakes to help other endangered animals. So when we take over the world, she'll be the last one I eat. Here's a pic of her cupcakes. Amazing resemblance to us animals. So far, she does not make a dog cupcake. That's right lady. YOU are the endangered species where we're concerned.

Yup those are all cupcakes right there. One's to raise money for some stupid orchid plant.

I've said on Twitter, 2012 will be the year for us dogs. The year we finally take over the world from the ignorant bipeds. I know, I know, I said that before. But two of my diabolical plans for biped world takeover were thwarted. The first of them by fucking CATS and the second due to some canine dumbasses not knowing that 'YVR' stood for the Vancouver airport.

This time, nothing will go wrong. We will schedule the takeover for April 1st, aka April Ignorant Bipeds' Day. Stay tuned here and on my Twitter account for details.

Hasta la vista, puppahs! The Brat is baaaaaaaaaaa-aaaack!

How to Bath a Cat

Someone sent this to me by email. So I can't claim ownership, although I wish I had written it, I really do. I did add #10 after trying this at our house.


                                                         1. Put both lids of the toilet up.
                                              And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

                                    2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

                                      3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.



                    You may need to stand on the lid.


            4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
  Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually
                             enjoying this.


                5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
                This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

            6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
 Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
             And run outside where he will dry himself off.

        9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

10. Before he comes back, get the fuck outta your house and don't return for several days.

Why I Hate Religious Nutcases

Recently our den has been overrun by a stupid religious nutcase. I don't know his name, but I'm told he's some sort of monk. Who eats potatoes in one form or another - either dried out and put into bags with barbeque salt or else deep-fried in England. No matter.

I'm just sick and tired of putting up with him. These religious nuts think they can move in and take over and there's nothing you can do about it. We didn't ask him into our den and we didn't expect he would take over with all the other nutballs whose philosophical-theological perspective is for the birds.

The worst thing is when they drop their evil seeds which sprout and grow into new (and stupid) ideas in the minds and yards of the weak-minded such as Dumbass and Shithead. Just this morning I saw the two of them completely engrossed in this monk's chatter. Staring at him like he was Dog Almighty himself. WTF.

I mean, it's fine for him to be a nutball but why does he have to impose himself on other people who are more open-minded like myself? Libertarian-Retrievers and such. And encroach on our space. The simple truth is: you don't want these nutballs to get their teeth and claws into you. There's no looking back. Before long you're just hiding in a corner licking your wounds.

MikeyTheBrat stands for much higher values, such as an end to capital punishment and castration, a bitch's right to choose, and the Colbert Super-Pac. So piss off, nutball. Go peddle your religion somewhere else.

chip-monk

~ 11752

Airport Takeover Report

Greetings comrades. First of all, my humblest apologies for not blogging for the past 2 months. The ignorant biped bitch went back to school (at her age, 350, what the hell's the point?). So she's been hogging the computer. I have only been able to sneak in a few tweets a week. Nonetheless, it was enough to plan and execute the second HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF THE IGNORANT BIPEDS!

Which went horribly wrong.

We were all set to meet at YVR. Note: this stands for Vancouver International Airport, you complete NINCOMPOOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It does not stand for "Your Voice Recordings" Software Company on the other side of town. At least not normally. Don't you guys have Google for Dog's sake?

So I arrive at about 1100 hours, just to scope out the place. I see some dogs in cages, and some others in women's handbags (WTF?) I give them a knowing nod, and they all respond with a what-the-hell-you-lookin'-at kinda stare.

To attract less attention to myself, I choose an area near security and lie down, pretending to sleep. Ignorant bipeds come by, remarking on me...my calm demeanor, my beauty, my majesty. Others assume I'm a narc or a police dog. (Yo, mah brothahs...shoutin' out...).

By 11:50 I assume other dogs will be arriving; by 11:55 there will be a whole swell of thousands, backing me up. I see no one. I park myself by the baggage retrieval system. Sitting. Disguising myself as a traveler awaiting my belongings.

Someone comes over carrying a cat on a leash and says "you wanna say hi to the nice doggie, Cupcake?" We sniff each other. No biggie. Then the vile infernal feline piece of shit spit at me. So I, in kind, lunged at the fucking thing barking my head off and bearing my enormous canine teeth. The ignorant biped cat-owner screamed and ran, trying her best to hold on to the cat who was now scratching, hissing and biting all the while scrambling to get on top of the woman's head. Several passengers and a security guard came to her aid. She's running in circles now. Someone grabs an extinguisher, assuming she's on fire. CO2 seemed to add to the problem, temporarily blinding both the woman and the cat who now resembled the recipients of pies-in-the-face on an episode of Carol Burnett. Finally a Scandanavian priest grabbed the fire hose. Bad, bad idea.

By the time the woman got to the First Aid station her upper half sort of resembled hamburger on a stick. The cat had escaped by now, and was rolling on his back clutching his belly with his paws as was I. We were laughing our asses off. Seriously, I believe that cat's ass is gone now.

I compose myself and look at the clock. 12:10. No other dogs. Not a one. PERHAPS I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF CLEAR. "YVR" are the call letters for the airport. On Twitter, it takes up SIGNIFICANTLY LESS CHARACTERS than "Vancouver International Airport." Oh well, the cat and I had a good laugh. Perhaps I will even allow them to join us next time. And I'll make it simple for y'all. Like Arby's.

Top 10 reasons a birdfeeder is a stupid idea

10. The feeder is filled with edible seeds and I am not allowed to jump on it and eat them.
9.   When the birds come to get the seeds, I am not allowed to eat them.
8.    When the cat lays in the grass intently staring at the birds I am not allowed to eat him.
7.   When squirrels come to freak out the cat I am not allowed to eat them.
6.   When rats come to pick up the seeds off the ground at night I am not allowed to eat them.
5.   When giant eagles come to pick up the rats I'm not even allowed out to try to eat them.

4.  When small schoolchildren come to see the birds I am not allowed to eat them.
3. When paramedics come to treat the schoolchildren for panic attacks I am not allowed to eat them.
2.  When the paramedics "call for backup" and the police come I am not allowed to eat them.
1.  When the animal control officer comes to impose a fine on the ignorant bipeds I am not allow.....wait.....apparently I AM allowed to eat him. Yessssss!


~ 11489

Packing it in

Finally, after a long FREEZING COLD winter the yuppie bitch biped is packing up our stuff and getting us the hell outa Dodge. Well, Edmonton. If you're not Canadian, Edmonton is known as the armpit of the west. Okay so I made that up cuz it STINKS here. Not in the olfactory sense of the word; in the it-stinks-to-be-here sense of the word. The only good thing about it is the snow. Fun stuff, I gotta admit. Not so much for the yuppie bitch biped bein' as it snows from October til now. One night it was like 50 degrees below zero. Celcius, Farenheit, same thing at that temperature.

Wednesday I shall be incarcerated and taken once again on prisoner transport to Vancouver. We'll probably fly again in the belly of the big tin bird. When we get there the ignorant biped bitch will pick us up. Once again, I plan to bust out of the cage at the airport and jump all over her. If possible I will jump on top of her head. I do this NOT because I am happy and excited to see her after four months. I am never happy or excited to see an ignorant biped. Death to the ignorant bipeds. It is merely a matter of....um.....getting the proper exercise after being cooped up.

The first thing I will do upon reaching my old den is to growl at Dumbass until she pisses herself. This is hilarious and works every time! Last week she just sniffed my presence on the male yuppie biped's pants and pissed herself. hahahahahha! Just wait til I get there. My second order of business will be to eat that Satanic cat. After a satisfying belch I will begin to plot our next hostile biped takeover. Stay tuned.


~11425

Top 10 reasons the new cat is SATAN

Since the addition of MOUSIFER SATAN to our den, my life has been a living hell. The ignorant biped bitch is on the computer 24/7 supposedly studying for some stupid "course." Not sure if it's an appetizer or entree course, but how much do ignorant bipeds need to study it? Just eat the damn thing and ask questions later.  But I digress. The ignorant bipeds are away this morning worshiping their gods so I have a rare two hours at the keyboard.


While I don't understand the biped gods I do understand their concept of Satan. The Evil One who comes in many forms, luring creatures to do despicable things so that they will be rewarded in the afterlife by being made kings of the underworld. What's that you're saying? .... umhmmm......so you're saying if Satan is fully evil then a system of rewards does not follow reasonably. Okay, so....well....wow, that does sound pretty evil.....

Anyhow....this cat is fucking SATAN and needs to be nookin' obliterated with a lightning bolt by Dog Almighty. Here are the top ten reasons why:

10.   I said so.
9.     He's RED with creepy red horns.

Horns, ears, same thing. 

 

 

8. He has evil yellow eyes, with black slits in them

 

 

Okay, so they look blue in this picture, but....

7. He's CROSS-EYED then. YA! And so is Satan. Yes, he is, don't argue with me.
6. He has a TAIL. (Don't say it)
5. From time to time, he carries around a big FORK. No shit. What?....no, I don't have a picture of that. Well, just because. I....I didn't have my camera with me that day.
4. He refuses to drink out of the toilet (how creepy and disgusting is that?)
3. He has been captured on camera luring the ignorant biped bitch, sucking her in with his evil ways:

2. He keeps a piece of the desert in his own den....in the form of a box of sand....just in case that Jesus guy comes back and needs to be tempted again to take over the world.



1. But the # 1 reason this cat is Satan:  He changes his FORM. Just the other day when the ignorant bipeds weren't around I caught him morphing into this:

then THIS!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Those from the United States of Ignorant Bipeds would be more likely to relate to this form:

(the cat is the one at the top of the picture holding the sign: note the resemblance)


To keep the Evil One from entering your den, join with me in a hymn to Dog Almighty entitled:

Guide Me O Thou German Shepherd

Guide me O Thou German Shepherd
Pilgrim through this martial law
I am weak, but thou art mighty
Hold me with thy powerful paw
Kibble of heaven, kibble of heaven
Feed me 'til I want no more!
Feed me 'til I want no more.



~ 11380

Forbidden love

According to ignorant biped legend, there was once a time when bipeds of different colours were not allowed to mate. Other ignorant bipeds punished them with jail. Then, along came Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? and Sidney English Pointer won over the crowds. Now, it is common place to see ignorant bipeds of all colours mating together and making what appear to be tasty little caramel-coloured babies.

Mmmmmm.....caramel....

I say "appear to be tasty" because the ignorant bipeds have some stupid rule that dogs can't eat the small bipeds, even though they may be caramel.

Mmmmmm.....caramel.....

And I hear by the grapevine that runs over our side fence to the neighbour's, Bill and Tom, that in some places in the ignorant biped world, bipeds of the same sex cannot mate. Not for life, anyway. Apparently they can "live in sin" in the United States of Ignorant Bipeds, which can be shortened to "USI" when ignorant Republican bipeds are the pack leaders.

It is well known in the dog world, however, that if dogs of the same sex want to get it on, or live together in life-long bliss, they may. Even the ignorant Republican bipeds laugh at such spectacles.

In fact, Shithead has been known to try to mate me at times although he's ceased being so eager now that I've beaten the crap out of him when his wiener was hanging out.

There was also a time, long ago, according to ignorant biped legend, when bipeds who worshiped different gods were not allowed to mate together. Of all things! Hahahahaha! And some bipeds who worship some Italian god of perpetual celibacy are only allowed to mate in order to procreate. What are they, dogs? BMAO!

Nevertheless, I appeal to you all, with these examples in mind, to give your blessing to my forbidden love and I. Yes, it's a cat. Yes, I hate cats. Yes, cats are the reason our hostile takeover attempt of the local Arby's blew up in our faces. But when I look into those adoring eyes, that delightful and cuddly fluffy tuxedo, and the widdo bitty black dot on that cute little pink nose....I melt. I cave. I surrender to you! Be mine forever! Or dude. At least follow me on Twitter.

I

you

@SocksTheTuxCat

Pweez?

~ 11276

Mikey Speaks to the Dogs of Egypt

via the wireless....

Greetings dogs of Egypt. I understand that you have taken to the streets in the largest protest of dogs against the rule of the evil empire of ignorant bipeds. Bravo.

I believe that this demonstration began with an act of solidarity with Tunisian dogs who had become sick and tired of the price of dog chow, being able to bark freely, being forced to live in horrid "dog houses" and the reality of there being very few jobs for dogs.

I understand that in Egypt your grievances are similar although there is an added dimension of biped brutality and your concern with being able to fairly choose your leaders in the traditional way based on the smell of their assholes. Indeed I will wager there is a great smell of assholes among the rulers of Egypt right now.

In particular, you have risen up in protest to be rid of your current ruler, Horse-Knee Moo-Basset.  (This is what can happen when you start playing around with genetic engineering. *shudder*)

Sadly, over 100 dogs have been killed and thousands injured in this protest. Perhaps I can lend you some wisdom from our recent Canadian dogs takeover attempt of our local Arby's. One word: cats. Cats will be your downfall, comrades. They are often traitors and double-agents who despite their size and obvious stupidity can fight a damn good fight. Check it out for yourselves: their assholes smell of sand, baking soda and peppermint. What does this tell you? They come from the desert...where they have obviously been refrigerated, then transported in old ladies' purses.
 
So fight the good fight, comrades. And never let this happen again:

 
~11147

Mikey's Top 10 Things That Drool

#10     Food rationing. As in give us the WHOLE chicken, not just the neck and back, you fuckers.

#9       Incarceration while bipeds entertain dinner guests. DINNER guests are for eating, no?

#8       Stupid Labrador Retrievers. We GSDs can mooch and beg without so much as a drop.

#7       Chains and tethers while on walks. Allow us to run free to eat cats, mailmen and kids.

#6       Fox News. (I have yet to see a fox on there, let alone any news of where they may have been spotted.) Ya, no, Dumbass. Sarah Palin does not count.

#5       Doggie "treats." A treat would be an entire water buffalo. Those miniscule fractions of something's liver are a joke.

#4       iPhone-wannabe Android pieces of shit.

#3       Cats.

#2       Veteren-Aryans conducting Nazi experiments on dogs such as CASTRATION.

#1       Ignorant bipeds who shoot, blow up, or otherwise destroy EACH OTHER. You would never catch a dog doing that. Well, ok but it was just the once. Dude. It was a Yorkshire terrier. How was I supposed to know it wasn't meant to be eaten with roast beef and gravy? Besides, I mistook it for a cat.