Sunday, February 19, 2012

No Siree Bob Barker

Ever since the LA Times tweeted me saying "Bob Barker loves you Mikey" I've been adding Twitter followers at the rate of about 100 per day. This is more disturbing than anything, being as it seems the majority of them are IGNORANT BIPEDS. So this blog post is for you, ya dumb anthropoids.

First I will briefly address my dog followers. Dudes: Bob Barker, despite his name, does not bark. He is not a dog although his ancestors clearly must have been. Some report they've seen him howl at the moon on all fours in his pajamas but I'm not a hundred percent sure of the legitimacy of that source. Nope, not a dog. He is is the evil King of Castration, the Sniper of Snipping, the Munich of Eunuch.

Supposedly Bob is quite the golfer. Easy for you, Bob. But we ain't got no balls over here! So every time you roll those little white dimpled ones in your hand you think of us over here, Bob. *Distracted by the cat*...wha?...yes, I was still talking about golf you pervert....okay, okay I get it...haha very funny... All you cats who are yukking it up and licking your arses have a good look down there. He's out for yours too, if you haven't already noticed.*turns attention back to the bipeds*

According to Bob, there are many "good" reasons to maime and destroy our genetalia. I shall address them seriatum. (You like that word? Seriatum? I got it from the Presbyterians. It means "in order from the the first to the last." Presbyterians like putting stuff in order. I just like saying it. Give it a try: SERIH-YATUM.) Okay, so, the reasons:

1) We won't be so interested in the bitches. (No I don't have a potty mouth; that's the proper word, asshole.). Now I'm not even sure what this means. Let's see. Maybe that's because....THEY CUT MY BALLS OFF.
2) We won't be so interested in table legs, other dogs of varying sexual orientations (not that there's anything wrong with that) and your granny who's looking under the couch for her lost glasses. Okay, I can accept this. Again, not even sure what it all means - (See #1)
3) We are less likely to get cancer. This is only according to the peer-reviewed scientific research but that is all done by guess who, IGNORANT BIPEDS. Nevertheless, we animals are unaware of our mortality and don't give a flying fig about our inevitable impending death. Remour has it around here that 99% of dogs and cats are killed by ignorant bipeds anyway.
4) most important reason given by Bob: "spaying and neutering helps control the pet population. Exactly Bob. So let me just say that WE ARE ON TO YOU PEOPLE. So you say that every time a house pet has puppies or kittens, even if you find them homes then some other puppies and kittens in a "shelter" (read "jail") get killed off. By whom? IGNORANT BIPEDS. No homes for all these animals you say. Well maybe that's because you guys control all the food and nice places to live. This will be different after me and my DOGFORCE take over the world and start castrating YOU.

Vive la revolution!