Saturday, February 11, 2012

Raising Puppies

I was born at night, but not last night. In other words, I'm no dum-dum. I know that you ignorant bipeds are reading this blog, even though it's none of your frickin' business. But this blog post is only for dogs, and it has no correlation to ignorant bipeds whatsoever.

So here goes:

Your puppies are out of control, people. I mean, honestly. Get a grip on your parentogging skills. Allow me to clarify with a few examples.
  1.  Screaming and running around while other people are trying to eat. Sometimes a dog likes to go out to say a garbage can or neighbourhood dumpster for dinner to break up the monotony of that kibble. Sometimes he likes to take along that certain someone and piss all around the perimeter for her to make it romantic. Then along comes some stupid bitch & dog with their pups who are running wild. When I express my opinion (as only Mikey can) to one of the pups he shits himself right there at my dinner table and YOU yell at ME like this is how I would have planned the evening.
  2. Interrupting. I don't know about the average dog, but I go to dog parks to rustle up members of my DOGFORCE to overthrow the world. I have secret, quiet conversations with others when the ignorant bipeds are unawares. I don't need puppies racing through the middle of us yapping. What's worse, said puppies are usually followed by a pack of ignorant bipeds squealing with high-pitched voices as though their balls have been trapped in waffle-irons.
  3. Crying all night waking people up. I suggest taking them back into the whelping box with you so we can all get some sleep. Unless you're drunk on catnip you will not roll over on them and kill them. Really. Have you ever heard of that happening? Don't believe that Furber dumbass. He's just an ignorant biped.
  4. Treating us like gymnasiums. I am not a trampoline for your unruly puppy. Nor am I a rawhide bone, a bite-sleeve, a cat or an episode of Wrestlemania. Get your pup some shit to play with. Or play with him yourself - there's a novel idea.
  5. Wrecking our shit. When you come over to my den for a visit, don't bring your puppy unless it's invited. If, in a moment of weakness, I ask you to bring the little buggers that doesn't mean they can jump on my dogbed or rip down the curtains with their teeth. No, I won't bark at them myself. Why? See #1. The last sentence. 
I could probably go on but I think you get the idea. How hard can it be...puppies are only around for seven weeks and then they're all growed up and boohoohoo wah wah....yes, they're gone and not your problem any more. But if we want wise, mature dogs to run this world once we overthrow the ignorant bipeds then you gotta start trainin' 'em up young. See my MikeyTheBrat Youth Movement on the sidebar.