Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Imaginary Dog Psychologists

Much like the many other inventions of the ignorant bipeds (Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny) now they've come up with something even more ridiculous than those three combined: The Dog Psychologist. Actually, I may believe it was a dog who came up with this just to jerk the ignorant bipeds around.You go bro.

So here is a handy guide for all you dogs who may have to deal with these stupid imaginary creatures because your biped oppressors invite them over to "analyze" you and "treat" you for your "psychological disorder." Wow that was a lot of quotation marks.

There are several "disorders" that dogs can get "diagnosed" for including, but not limited to:
    1. Anxiety. If you're leaning toward this one just run under the biped's bed and shit yourself there. Every day. That'll get 'em going.
    2. Depression. This one will help you get extra treats and attention. Just mope around. Sleep a lot. Eat your food slowly when the bipeds are there. In fact, if possible, only eat it out of their hands.
    3. Rage Disorder. This is an easy one. Fuckin' attack everyone in sight. Especially the idiot they try to pass off as a "dog psychologist."
    4. Bipolar Disorder. Another easy one. Jump all around like a psycho whenever you fuckin' feel like it and then crash and mope. For tips on moping, see #2.
    5. Antisocial Personality Disorder, aka Sociopathy or whatever else they're calling it these days. This one is pretty tricky. You have to act like a regular dog, especially the kind the bipeds really like. Wag your tail a lot. Jump around. Heel on command - that sort of thing. Then one day just randomly kill something. Anything will do. I recommend the mailman, a Doctor of Death (aka veterinarian) or if you're really into it perhaps a gaggle of small school children. If you do it when no one is looking they will assume it's the dog next door who suffers from #3.
    6. Bulimia Nervosa. Totally fun. Gorge yourself on everything you can find and puke your guts out on their rug.
    7. Schizophrenia. This one is the awsomest one of all. Just act crazy. Randomly crazy. Like jump up off the couch and bark at a door or window at night when nobody's there. Wag your tail and lick the mailman. But narrow your eyes and move them side-to-side with grandma. Always.
Have a hootenany with this, comrades. Woohoo! I'm off to practice #7 intermittently with #6. Good times.